Never Stop
by Cordys-Vision
Summary: Bella and Edward are back together after New Moon, But Bella has secrets that Edward knows nothing about. What will happen when those secrets are brought to light and Edward realizes the only thing he can't save her from is herself.
1. Scars

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. Stephanie Meyer does. She's a genius. She's right up there with J.K. Rowling. Also, I'm not making money of this. I'm really not. Please and thank you.**

**A/N: Alright, I'll be honest. I started this story because I read a bunch of these that were really bad, but I really dug the concept so I tried it out myself. If it's the worst thing you've ever read please let me know. I have four chapters written as of today and I'm going to post them up here. If you'd like me to continue please let me know. Please and thank you **

Jacob traced the scars on my wrist lightly; the temperature of his fingers was slightly irritating to my skin. He shook his head, looking up at me. The look on his face told me that he was worried about me, but I knew he wouldn't voice it. Not in the way that a parent, or a boyfriend might anyway. He let out a sigh, shaking his head again.

"I won't tell you how stupid I think you're being, you already know that. And I won't tell you how worried I am, or that you're killing yourself, because you know that too. But I do have to ask…if the bloodsucker…" He glanced at me and because of my wince, let out a frustrated sigh and corrected himself, "If _Edward_ is back…then…" He ran his hand over my scars again, and then pulled my sleeve back down. "Why?"

I shrugged, it was hard to put into words, and I knew that Jacob didn't expect me to try. He nodded, glancing at the clock.

"I should go." He said softly. "The leech'll be here soon and I'm always happy to be here whenever he's _not_ so…" He took my hand in his for a moment and squeezed before quickly exiting the house. Jacob cared far too much about me. If I was any type of a decent person, I would put him out of his misery…but I was far too selfish to end that friendship. I made my way up to my bedroom, falling onto my bed. The hours after school that I had to spend alone, without Edward were most unbearable. I'd been without him for so long that now that I had him…it was unbearably painful to be without him for any period of time. That's where the blade made its way into my life. It was easy, easier to hurt physically then emotionally…It was a release…a bad one…but a release nonetheless.

Keeping it a secret was the only hard part. When you're boyfriend, best friend and future parents and siblings were all vampires…it was a little more difficult to keep things like bleeding yourself a secret. It was easiest with Edward. He often held his breath around me anyway, not wanting to pay any extra attention to my potent smell. I mostly did it in the hours when he wasn't around, when I was alone…alone and deathly afraid that it was going to stay that way…I tried my hardest not to do it directly before I saw him, or directly after he left. But this time was an exception. Jacob had showed up merely minutes before Edward was due and I was already in the middle of one of my melt-downs. I prayed Edward wouldn't notice though…I hadn't bled all that much to begin with. The tapping on the window alerted me to his arrival. I was lucky, he usually didn't make any sound at all. I looked up in time to see him sneak through my window, I pulled down my sleeve as quickly as I could, mustering up a smile.

"Hi." I said, the largest grin I could create, spreading across my face. He smiled back at me, making his way over to the bed, kissing the top of my head lightly.

"How are you?" He said, although it wasn't just an absent question. It was serious. He truly wanted to know exactly how I was feeling.

"Good. Now that you're back." I reached up for him, wanting so badly for his lips to be on mine, but he only watched me for a second. He pulled back slightly, tilting his head to the side.

"What were you doing just now? Before I came in?" He said watching me intently now, his brow furrowed. I bit down on my lip, shrugging lightly.

"Nothing…I was just…I was waiting for you…" I said truthfully. He continued to watch me, his expression becoming more and more upset then his nose wrinkled and he shook his head, his eyes closed for a minute.

"Did you cut yourself?" He asked. My entire body froze. How could he have possibly guessed that right away? I could hardly move, let alone speak, but I didn't have to.

"Did you give yourself a paper cut or something? It just smells really…fresh." He said slowly.

I stared up at him for a long moment and then shook my head quickly. "No. I um…it's…I'm…It's that time of the month…" I mumbled, trying desperately to cover it up. He frowned, and I was sure that if he could blush, he would be right about now. Then he shook his head slowly,

"Um…no. Smells different…" He leaned in closer to me. "And I'd never inquire about that." He gave me a small smile and then pulled back again. "I think…you might've given yourself a paper cut and not realized…may I?" He said holding his hand out for me to give him my own. I hesitantly lifted my hand and placed it in his, he turned over and over again and his own palm and then very slowly he looked up at me, the down at my hand again. He had pushed up my sleeve before I could stop him. The pretty lines all jaggedly drawn across my skin made him drop my hand like it was a hot poker. He stood up quickly, his eyes wide and rounded.

"Isabella Marie Swan." His voice came out harsh and rough. He shook his head sharply. "What are you doing?" He said, putting emphasis on every word. I wanted to cry, yell, hit, scream, shout…but I couldn't…and I wouldn't dare.

He turned away from me for a moment and then began pacing my room, muttering things to himself every now and them, all I could was stare. Then, he stopped pacing. He looked up at me, from across the room, the saddest expression I had ever seen on his face and said the words that completely killed me.

"You lied to me."

I burst into tears and can't remember when I stopped, or when my tears turned into sleep, or when Edward got into bed with me…all I know is that the next morning, I felt like a trunk had hit me.


	2. Stealing

The morning came too quickly. I made sure to keep my eyes closed for as long as I could manage, opening them would only mean that I had to face Edward and that wasn't exactly something I was itching to do. Eventually though, I had to pee. I sighed, rolling over and then opening my eyes slowly. Edward was still here, that was a little reassuring in general, but the look in his eyes was completely deterring. I bit my lip for a moment before speaking.

"Good morning," I said with a small smile. He watched me for a long moment, his eyes were so sad…it made me heart hurt. He ran a hand through my hair, leaning into kiss my forehead and holding me close for a second, something told me he'd been doing this all night. I let out a sigh,

"Edward…I…I have to pee." He looked down at me and then nodded, moving away from me so that I could get up. I instantly regretted it. I could pee later, his touch was far more important. I snuggled back into him and he took me back into his arms without complaint, but after another moment or two my bladder was sending me angry signals. I sighed, kissed him lightly on the forehead and begrudgingly got out of bed to make my way to the bathroom.

I looked at my face in the mirror for a long time. It was completely oblivious to me why Edward didn't run, screaming when he saw me in the morning. I washed my face quickly, alleviated my bladder and brushed my teeth. I pulled up my sleeve out of habit, every morning I trace the scars, subconsciously thinking of new places to cut, new designs to engrave into my skin. I let out a sigh, it was completely risky to do this while Edward was so nearby…but I couldn't help it. Not now that I'd already started thinking about it. I opened the medicine cabinet reaching for my razors neatly lined in my black bag…the problem was, it wasn't there. I felt all my breath leave my body at once. Where was it!? I started throwing things out of the medicine cabinet, frantically searching for it. I felt like I was going to fall apart. My whole make was falling apart at the seams. I had to find it and I had to find it now. I was on my hands and knees before I knew it, looking in the bottom cabinet, it wasn't there either. It wasn't _anywhere_. I could feel the tears streaming down my face before I even realized I was crying. Then it clicked. Edward had stolen my bag. Edward had taken my razors from me. I ripped open the bathroom door and ran, almost tripping back to my room. He was lying on the bed, staring at the blankets like nothing was the matter. I was so angry, I wanted to rip his face off.

"What did you do with them?" I said, my voice and body shaking. "Edward! What did you do with them?!" I screamed.

He let out a noticeable sigh, "Please be quiet Bella, You're going to alert Charlie of my presence."

I couldn't bring myself to care. "How dare you!? How dare you take something from me!? That wasn't yours to touch! How dare you!?" I could feel my entire body building with anger, the tears continuing to stream.

"Bella, please calm down. You throwing a fit isn't going to make me give them back." He said his voice remaining still and even.

"Edward Cullen, you better give those back to me right now." My voice was still shaking and I knew that the sound of it was making him upset.

"Bella…I can't. As much as I'd love too…As much as watching you be this upset over something that I did…I can't…I can't let you do this to yourself." He avoided my eyes while he said this. It was incredibly hurtful.

I let out a breath, and had to hold onto my stomach to keep from falling apart.

"This isn't your decision to make. You can't do this to me. You can't…take things that aren't yours. You can't make decisions about what I can and can't do." I managed to get out through the tears.

"Bella, please don't make this any harder for me. I know I'm doing the right thing. You'll thank me for this in the future. I know you will." He looked up at me for the first time since he'd started talking and suddenly I never wanted him to look at me again.

I shook my head, sniffing back my tears. "Get out." I said simply. "Now. Get out. Leave. GET OUT!" I finished with a scream. He was gone before I collapsed onto my floor a giant mess of tears and pain.


	3. Don't Do This

School wasn't even an option. I refused to put myself through that, put myself through having to be near him. I was so angry…so pissed off. I didn't want to be around someone who stole things from me. I spent the day trying desperately to keep busy. I did homework that I hadn't bothered doing the night before, I did laundry. I cooked dinner for Charlie, I cleaned the kitchen. I did everything I could possibly think of, and by that time it was 4. Charlie wasn't due back for a few hours and my skin was starting to itch for the blade. It would've been easy to go buy new ones…but I didn't want new ones. I wanted _mine_. They'd been unjustly stolen from me and I wanted them back this instant. I didn't even think as I got into my truck and started to drive. My skin was leading the way, I was just following its desire.

I found the house pretty easy considering, I'd never been there without the accompaniment of Edward, but like I said…my skin was leading the way. I knocked on the door lightly at first. No answer. Fine. I stared to bang on the door, and I was sure that I looked like a crazy person, but at this point I just didn't care. I was stopped mid bang when Carlisle opened the door.

"Hi Bella, Can I do something for you?" He asked, his bright doctor smile in place. I shook my head, quickly.

"No. I just need Edward. Do you know where he is?"

Carlisle looked at me for a long moment and then looked away. I'd never seen him like this before. It made me forget about Edward for a second.

"Bella…if you're here to yell at him, berate me or…something else of the sort …which judging by your face it looks like that's a pretty good guess, I can't allow you to do that." I stared at him, my face completely blank.

"Why? What's wrong with him?" I asked, completely forgetting the fact that I was angry with him.

Carlisle sighed, "Bella…to be honest…I haven't a clue. I've never seen him like this…and he won't talk to anybody…He just…sits at that piano…" He shook his head. "He's hurting. He's…He's really hurting about something Bella…"

I didn't bother listening to anything he had to say. I pushed past him, walking over slowly to the piano. Sure enough, Edward sat there. He wasn't playing, which would've been natural…but he was just…sitting there, staring into nothing.

"Edward…" I said softly.

He turned to look at me, but only for a second, then his fingers delicately began to move across the keys, I instantly recognized my lullaby. I closed my eyes listening to the sounds…and then…it turns all wrong. The wrong chords…the wrong melody. Edward was playing his own composition…_wrong_.

I opened my eyes quickly, pulling his hands off the keys.

"Edward, stop it." I said, still tugging at his hands. "Stop."

He looked up at me again and then shook his head. "It's because of me…isn't it? Because of what I did to you? Because I left…?"

I bit down hard on my lip. "Don't do this to yourself." I said softly. He grabbed my arm and pushed up my sleeve.

"Don't do _this_ to yourself." He mimicked my words. He shook his head, his hand ran over my scars and I shivered. "Bella, Please. I'm begging you. I can't watch you do this." He closed his eyes for a second. "I know that I said I'd never leave you again. And I won't…I'll still be here but…I can't…Bella I can't promise you forever if I have to watch you slowly kill yourself."

I stared at him and then pulled my arm away. "Are you breaking up with me because of this?"

He didn't say anything, but he didn't have to. I break down completely at the moment, I don't think I'd ever cried harder in my whole life.

"Oh my god…" I said, barely able to get the words out. "This isn't fair…" I choked out, sniffing and trying hard to breathe.

"Oh, Bella." He stood up, pulling me into his chest. "I'm sorry. It's for the best. I'm so sorry."

After I'd cried myself to pieces I had enough strength to push him completely off of me. "Don't touch me. Don't…don't threaten me and then pretend like you're sorry because your n-not." I sniffed, shaking my head.

"Do you love me Bella?" He asked, holding my face in his hands. I tried desperately to pull away but he was stronger than me. "Answer the question, Bella."

"Yes, arrogant ass but you knew that."

He winced at the words but pressed on. "Then will you please, stop with razorblades?"

"No." I said defiantly, staring at him. He let out a sigh.

"Bella, it's simple. Me, or the blades." He said, still holding my face.

I stared laughing simply out of irritation.

"Really? Is it that _simple _Edward? Well it wasn't that _simple,_ when you left me for 8 months! That wasn't _simple _Edward! It wasn't simple when Jacob Black had to pick me up off the floor because I was crying so hard that I couldn't move because I had a mere_ dream_ about you, It wasn't simple when the blade was the only thing that could make me feel ANYTHING and it wasn't simple when you came back and it wasn't simple when you stole from me and I had to spend all FUCKING day long trying to pacify myself! Nothing is SIMPLE Edward! NOTHING!" I screamed, hardly able to breathe now. He let go off my face and pulled back.

"You…you didn't have to take me back…I…I would've…" He was hardly able to finish his sentence and that made me laugh again.

"But you know what? I wanted to. I wanted to feel again. I wanted to be able to _love_ someone again. And you know…it doesn't do anything for me anymore. So, I run the blade across my wrist every night in hopes that I can feel something." I finished, my eyes boring into his.

"I can help you through this Bella, I can help you find better ways to deal with this. I can help…let me help…"

I shook my head. "How are you going to help me? Are you going to tell me that it's all going to be okay? I can get through this? That it doesn't matter? Because it DOES matter and you are an asshole."

He stared at me for a moment and then my beautiful black bag fell into my hands and he'd disappeared up the staircase.


	4. Shiny Razorblades and Apologies

**A/N: sorry for the late update. I'm working on my other stories as well, anyways, this is not the last chapter, if it seems that way, I apologize there's more to come and don't worry. This won't be easy for Edward. Bella is going to make him really work for this relationship. Okay. Do that review thing pretty please. New chapter real soon! I promise.**

I unzipped my little black bag, the shiny razor blades and scissors smiling up at me. They were so beautiful. I let my fingers trace over them lightly, cold to the touch. The feeling I got from merely touching them was ecstasy because I knew what was coming. I could feel my body start to shake, aching for the slice of those beautiful silver instruments…but I couldn't do it. There they lay in front of me, in a pretty row each one begging me to use it, but I couldn't. I angrily pushed the bag off of my bed and turned away from them on my side. I was so angry at myself for letting him get to me. It was so easy for him; he knew exactly what he was doing before he did it. I wanted to do it just to spite him. I quickly sat up, reaching over the edge of my bed to grab the bag again. I took a deep breath, holding the bag close to me for a few moments, calming myself with its presence. I laid it open in front of me on the bed again, staring at it for a few seconds.

The loud sound of him, landing on my bedroom floor alerted me to his presence which meant that he wanted me to know he was there, or he would've made sure I was asleep or that I hadn't heard him at all. He was usually a lot more stealthy then that. I glanced up at him but only for a moment. I was still angry with him and that would not break easily.

"I thought I locked that window." I said, staring down at my blades, still neatly lined in a row. If he touched them, I had a plan to rip his throat out. He'd probably kill me first, but then of course, I'd have tried right? He ignored my comment, moving so that he could see my face. I waited for him to speak not giving him the satisfaction of me acknowledging or indulging in his presence.

I could feel him struggling with his words, it was strange, he was usually so put together. Everything he said, sounded like It came from a well-rehearsed speech. I looked up at him, wanting to see the struggle in his face. But it wasn't there. His face remained calm as always.

"I'm here to apologize." His voice was genuine. Soft. I knew he meant it. I swallowed, looking up at him. I bit down on my lip, not sure how to respond.

"Um…for what?" I said finally, not sure if I really wanted an answer for that or not. He moved now so that he was sitting on the edge of my bed, looking up at me to look at my face, to make sure that he wasn't pushing his luck.

I shrugged, not really caring where he sat as long as he left soon. He leaned in, but only about a quarter of an inch or so, he reached out a hand to touch my face but revoked it almost immediately. I could tell he was trying hard not to upset me, like I was tipped bottle and one push would cause me to spill. He let out a loud frustrated sigh before speaking, but I could tell that he was frustrated with himself and not me.

"For touching your things. Stealing them. Not trying to talk to you about it. Not listening. Not…" He stopped, looking away from me for a long time, and then he turned back to me, a new expression on his face. He was falling apart.

"Bella, I'm sorry." He said, his voice sounding shaky, which was definitely new for Edward Cullen. "Bella, I am so sorry. I don't expect you to take me back…I don't even expect you to want to see me again. I had to come though, I had to apologize. I'm sorry." He repeated, and it made my heart hurt. He leaned in, finally actually touching me, he pulled my head just slightly so that my forehead met his lips and then he was making his way back to my window to depart. I had only seconds to make a decision that I really didn't want to have to make, but it was completely beyond me now. I got up quickly, practically tripping over myself to get to the window. I held my black bag close to my chest, while I positioned myself in front of the window.

"Wait…" I said softly, although I didn't need to, he'd stopped dead when he'd heard me scrambling around.

"I hate you right now." I finally said, and his voice turned into a frown, but I had to do this. I knew somewhere deep down, that being without him, is far worse than being with him with a few problems. I didn't need my greatest fear to be realized…again. I shifted slightly, searching for the right words in my head.

"But that doesn't change the fact that I love you." I frowned at myself realizing that I didn't make any sense, but then I shook my head, plowing on.

"You should have listened. You should have cared enough to ask if I was alright…" He nodded his agreement to all this and that, as simple as it was made me feel a little bit better.

"And, you shouldn't have taken me things…it was really rude." I said fixing him with an angry glare, as he nodded again.

"But now, I need you to take them back from me." I said holding the black bag out in front of me for him to take. His eyes widened with confusion, he was so slow sometimes. I let out my own frustrated sigh and then shook my head.  
"It upsets you. I don't like making you upset no matter how much you make ME upset, I won't let the downfall of this relationship be my fault, so hurry up and take them before I lose the nerve." I said still holding the bag out in front of me, but now tapping my foot nervously. He looked a little scared, his eyes darting from the bag to me, and then to me and the bag again. I turned away from him for a moment, taking a deep breath, telling myself that this was worth it, and that I could do it, before turning back to him.

I pressed the bag against his chest. "Edward, I need help." I said in a small voice. He stared at me for a half a second and then took the bag, holding it tightly in his hand before, turning back to the window.

"Where are you going?" I said, suddenly painfully aware of the fact that he could still leave. He turned back to me and then mumbled quietly,

"I'm just going to take this home. I'll be back before you even get tired, I promise. I just want to make sure that you won't have any temptation. These won't be in the house."

I bit down on my lip hard. This was going to be so difficult, but I let him leave, with my precious bag in tow. A double blow. It was almost impossible to withhold. I bit so hard on my lip that it started to bleed, and the moment I tasted blood, I thought I was going to pass out. It was strange how the blood gushing from my arms never affected me, when the slightest cut I ever got before would send me into a dizzy spell. It's amazing what a few months separated from the only thing that mattered will do to you. I collapsed onto my bed, curling up, not caring if I was asleep by the time he came back. I drifted off to sleep that night, thinking of how badly I needed to call Jacob Black.


	5. Resisting Humans

**A/N: New Chapter Yay! That's always fun. Alright, sorry it took me so long to get it up, I've been real busy getting ready for school and junk and I had a little bit of a writer's block, but here is the next chapter, I hope you enjoy it. Flames are not appreciated, but constructive criticism always is, and the occasional 'That was awesome!'s are nice too! Alright, love you guys and do that review thing that you guys do so well thanks!**

_Bella,_

_I had to leave before you woke up._

_I'm sorry. I didn't want to wake or worry you._

_Everything is fine. Alice needed some help with Jasper this morning._

_Stay safe during breakfast and try not to kill yourself on the ride to school._

_I love you._

_Edward._

I stared down at the note, rolling my eyes for a minute before placing it on my bedside table and getting out of bed, it was way too early in the morning for his brilliant sense of humor. I took a quick shower so that I would have less time to think about the fact that I was in a bathroom, and even less time to think and contemplate on my scars. I quickly headed downstairs for breakfast, slightly annoyed that Charlie had already left for work…it would've been easier with someone to talk to. I settled for something easy. Cereal. You couldn't go wrong with cereal and it was quick. I ate my cheerios in peace listening to the already falling rain outside. I used to think the rain was calming somehow, but now I just found it depressing.

The ride to school was even more depressing than the rain had been but right after I pulled in to the school parking lot, I didn't have time to think about being depressed anymore. Edward really never kept me waiting too long. He was as always, parked directly across from me, leaning against his car, waiting. I took a few minutes in my truck though. Today would be tough, but I would try and handle it…for him. I carefully got out of the truck and made my way over to him.

"How's Jasper?" I asked quickly, so that he didn't have any time to ask me how I was or how my morning had been. His face turned into a frown and then he looked away from me for a long moment.

"He's fine. He had a bit of a meltdown this morning…" I looked up at him, biting my lip.

"Resisting humans, not gettin' any easier?"

He looked at me with sad eyes and then half-shrugged, "Bella, it never gets easier…"

The rest of the day moved slowly, but without any problems. Edward drove me home after school, promising he'd go and get my car later. As we drove he was silent. I never quite knew what to do when he was like this. I turned to look at him, letting out a small sigh.

"I have an English paper to write." I said, purely for conversation. He stole half a glance at me and then raised a brow. "Oh?" He asked, his eyes now back on the road.

I nodded. "Mhm. It'll take me most of the night…but if you want to stay…" He looked over at me, a smile stretching across his face.

"I want to stay. I'll get your car, and then I'll just…watch you work." He said, as he pulled into my driveway. I let out a sigh and then nodded.

"Okay." He turned to face me, his hand coming up to touch my face lightly, his fingers barely caressing my cheek. I leaned into his touch. The coolness of his hand felt so good against my, for some reason, abnormally hot skin. He leaned in to kiss me and my heart stopped, just like it always did, but then his lips touched mine and…it was like an electric shock went through me. Suddenly, my heart was revived, but the hotness of my skin increased it became this intense pulsing and burning in my veins and I wanted him. I wanted him so badly. I tried to be slick about it at first, just copying his subtle movements, but I couldn't handle it anymore. The burning was too intense. I practically leaped over my seat to plant myself on his lap, practically straddling him. He pushed me away within seconds, and I was practically devastated by the action. I needed to be touching him. Now.

"Bella, what are you doing?" He said, his voice sounding completely shocked, but I ignored him, pulling and pulling against his hold to get back to his lips, to reach my hands out to touch him, but he was holding me at bay against the steering wheel.

"Bella, stop it." He said his voice a little more stern now. I stopped, and looked at him for a long moment and then the tears were coming and I couldn't stop them. I was bawling within seconds.

"Bella…Bella what's wrong?" He asked softly. "Bella talk to me." I shook my head, quickly pulling away from him and pushing the car door open and stumbling out of it. I couldn't believe how embarrassed I was. This was more than ridiculous. I knew. I knew with everything in me that he would never allow anything more than mild kissing. I knew that before I'd decided to straddle him, but something inside of me was begging for it. Begging for him to touch me, for just a moment longer. I was still burning everywhere and it was almost the worst feeling in the world. Second only, to Edward leaving.

"Bella!" I heard from behind me and the sound of his voice made me stop. So concerned…so upset. I let out a sigh. I had to remind myself sometimes that not everything could be about me. He was just as fragile as I was, even though he'd never admit it.

I turned around to face him, wiping my face so that it wouldn't shine with tears. "I'm fine…" I murmured, shaking my head. "I'm just tired…that's all." I sniffed and then forced a smile for him. "Can you please go get my car?"

He stared at me for a long moment, assessing my face I guessed, then he nodded. "I'll be back." He didn't move for another few moments and then just like that he was back in his silver Volvo and off down the street. I breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe he wouldn't inquire about it.

I took a shower to get my mind of the burning, The water was so cold that my skin was starting to have a blue tinge to it, but it felt good against the hot lava raging through my body. I wished that I could make it stop. That I didn't feel this way, but I recognized the feeling. It was the same feeling I got when I hadn't made a new design across my wrist in a few days. It was desperation. I was desperate for some sort of release. This time instead of a pain release, my body wanted a sexual one…something that Edward would never give me.

After my shower I dutifully made some pasta for Charlie. I didn't eat much of it myself though. My mind was on other things and I was too busy trying to get my mind off of those things to eat. After dinner, or rather, lack there of. I made my way upstairs, sitting down at my computer, staring at the blue screen for a few moments. I couldn't concentrate on homework right now. I was still ridiculously hot and I felt like I was going to explode from it. How I'd set through all 30 minutes of dinner I couldn't tell you. I ran over to the window wrenching it open, sticking my head out to feel the cool air. I let out a sigh as the air brushed my skin and tickled my face. I could've stayed there all night long, but I pulled myself away, thinking the better of it. Maybe another shower would be the better option. I quickly pulled off my shirt, and pulled my hair out of the messy ponytail I'd put it in after my first shower. I glanced in the mirror and took a moment to take in my appearance. I looked exactly the same as I had last year. The only difference was, that I was scarred, not just on my arms either. I was glad that Edward hadn't seen these yet. The scars graced my stomach as well, and in part, my thighs, but my jeans were still on so that part of my appearance was spared.

I turned around to grab one of the pile of towels next to my bed, and was surprised to find myself face to face with Edward. His eyes were wide, raking my body. Taking in every scar. He was lucky. I was still practically clothed, he couldn't see the worst of it. The parts my jeans covered, and the little part that my bra covered. I stared at him for a moment and then let out a soft,

"Hi." I bit down on my lip, bringing the towel up to cover myself. "I…was going to jump in the shower…you..um…I didn't know when to expect you so…I…"

His eyes left my body and came up to meet my eyes. He blinked after a moment or two and then he took a step towards me.

"I really think that we should talk." He said in the faintest hint of a whisper. I nodded, still holding the towel up in front of me.

"Okay…ready when you are…" I said flashing him a half smile. He was quiet for another moment and then he spoke, his words coming out soft and even,

"I have no idea what is going on with you. You won't tell me…and I can't ask…because I don't think you'd tell me even then. I'm scared. I look at you…" He said his eyes meeting mine again, "And I get so scared. I feel like you're slipping. Like I'm losing you. Bella, tell me now. Tell me now if you don't want me. I won't hold it against you I swear…I just…I need to know. I don't know what you want…I…" I carefully made my way over to him, forgetting the stupid towel and wrapping my arms tight around his neck. I kissed his cheek and then his earlobe.

"I'm not leaving you." I whispered. "I could never leave you. You make me really angry sometimes but I…I'm with you for life..I..would've thought…I would've thought you knew that." I pulled away to look at me, my hands holding his.

"I wasn't the one who left before." I said in a low voice.

If it was possible, His entire face darkened. "I'm so sorry." He let out in a breath that sounded like he was moments away from death.

"What?" I said, the sounds he was making shocking me. I couldn't fathom why he was reacting this way. It didn't make any sense.

"You don't see it." He whispered, shaking his head.

"I did this. I did this to you. I might as well have dragged the blades across your wrists myself...I thought I was doing the right thing…I thought you'd be…better….I…I'm so stupid Bella, I'm…I've spent so long hating myself…but I have never hated myself more than when I look at your scars…" He turned away from me, shaking his head again.

I shook my head, angry at him for blaming himself. I pushed away from him, shaking my head, still more angry.

"No! I did this! I couldn't handle it and I did this. I did this to myself…it had nothing to do with you. Stop doing this to yourself. I'm….I"m going through something…I'll be okay. I..I just need to know you're not going to go awol on me…I need you. I'm not…" I stopped, looking down for a long moment, "I'm not going to do that anymore. You don't have to worry. The scars will fade and…there won't be new ones…I promise." I bit down on my lip. "I promise, Okay?" I took a step back, running my hands through my hair. Why wasn't I sweating? I was burning.

"Today…in the car…what was that?" He asked softly, looking up at me. I stared at him for a long moment and then shrugged. "I don't know. I'm not sure…I…I needed something…I…"

He raised a brow, "What is it?" He said in his perfect velvet voice. I closed my eyes, debating whether or not if it was a good idea to tell him or not…what could it really hurt? He was just going to say no, and that would be the end right? I let out a sigh and then looked up at him,

"I…I want you…no…I need you…to…make love to me." I finished awkwardly shifting my feet, just now realizing that my shirt was off and Edward had definitely gotten quite a long look at parts of me he'd definitely never seen unclothed before. I bit down on my lip, my face getting hot from embarrassment.

I could feel the answer even before he'd said anything. "Bella…you know that we can't…I'd do anything to help…you know that…but…why do you have to ask for the one thing I can't give you?"

I let out an annoyed sound. "Oh please! You're being completely ridiculous! You can! You just don't WANT to! You're so controlled it's ridiculous. You will not hurt me. You'd first die then hurt me and…honestly, I just think that you're scared, but there isn't anything to be afraid of. I mean Christ, I was slicing my wrists open every night and the blood didn't even BOTHER you, you hardly NOTICED and now you're claiming that having sex with me would change that?"

He stared at me, his eyes dark, I knew that I wasn't helping his attitude towards sex at all. Only worsening it.

"It isn't that. I could…seriously…break you.." He shook his head. "You're ridiculously fragile every moment I spend with you is dangerous. Do you know how much effort it is for me to caress your cheek and not break your cheekbone? Or…how difficult it is for me to not break your hand while holding it? Bella, you have no idea. Every touch, I have ever given you, has been like a light brush of my fingertips…I can't control that when…were in that situation…"

I began to scratch my arm, by instinct. I just wanted to hurt myself a little, I was burning, practically itching with it, and I didn't have blades or anything else to fix it. I began scratching hard, the same spot, like it was dirty and I couldn't get it clean enough.

"Bella , stop it." I heard his stern voice say, but I couldn't stop, and I didn't want to. I wanted to rip my skin off.

"Bella, stop, Bella STOP!" but at that point, I couldn't even have continued if I'd wanted to. His lips were crushed against mine and my arms were forced to snake their way around his neck…but oh…it felt so good. His lips on mine, his cool body pressed against mine, oh, this was exactly what I needed, wanted. He picked me up gently, my legs wrapping around his waist as I continued to kiss him. After a long moment, he pulled away, setting me back down on my feet. I watched him for a moment and then let out a small sigh. That was it. That was all he could give me. I understood it. I let out a slightly annoyed breath, reaching for my shirt, but he grabbed my arm, shaking his head.

"Leave it off." He said, sounding out of breath. I looked up at him, confusion written all over my face, but he didn't answer the questions that were written there. He just pressed his lips against mine again, his hands unbuttoning my jeans. I couldn't believe this. I couldn't believe he was actually going to consent to this. I pulled away, pressing my forehead against his as he slid my jeans off.

"I love you." I whispered softly, and he leaned down, kissing my neck, as he lifted me once again, laying me gently onto my bed, I managed to get his shirt off, and his belt buckle undone before I needed him to start kissing me again. He pulled away from me after a minute, his body not touching mine at all for several minutes. I sat up, a little confused, leaning and kissing his shoulder.

"Are you okay?" He turned back to look at me and nodded, delving right back into the kiss again. Oh, it felt so god damn good, you couldn't even imagine. I was practically shivering, because I was so cold now, but it was so much better than the previous heat, but then I pulled away to see the look on Edward's face. It was one of the worst possible sights I could ever see. He looked so sad. So desperate to make me better. I couldn't do this to him. I pulled away, turning my body away, grabbing my shirt and throwing that on, along with some pajama shorts on the side of my bed.

"I'm showering." I said softly, before heading for my bedroom door. It was quiet until I turned the knob. Then a voice that could only be Edwards said,

"Bella?"

I turned to look at him, as a response.

"I'm sorry. I was trying. I was really trying."

I gave him a half smile and then nodded. "I know. It's fine. I'll see you in a little bit." I said before disappearing down the hall to the bathroom.


	6. You've Got To Be Kidding Me

**A/N: New Chapter! I need feedback as always, also, this is going to get A LOT more interesting in the next few chapters and for those of you who miss Jacob…he's coming back into this don't worry. So with the promise of Jacob, Alice, and Carlisle, I give you the next Chapter. If you review this one, you'll get to your other favorite characters quicker! Love you3**

The shower helped. The raging lava was gone by the end of it, and now I just felt bad. Edward was so good at having that effect on me. I felt guilty for being so messed up. For asking for something he couldn't give me, for making _him_ feel less than perfect. After I'd dressed, I made my way back into my room, hoping that Edward wouldn't make me feel any guiltier. When I entered my bedroom, Edward was sitting on my bed, one of my notebooks lying open on the bed in front of him. I raised a brow, crossing my arms over my chest.

"What is that?" I asked curiously, taking a few steps closer to him. "If you've started my homework for me, I'm going to love you for the rest of my life…not that I wouldn't already…" I trailed off as his gaze met mine. It didn't look like he'd been doing my homework. I reached out and grabbed the notebook scanning the page and then I froze. How did he possibly find absolutely everything that I did not want him to ever see?

"Where did you get this? You really should stop SNOOPING around my house and taking my things." I kept my voice calm, just slightly irritated. I wondered how much he'd read. How much he'd taken in. But if he hadn't gotten very far, I refused to let him know what exactly he'd found. I moved across the room to stuff the notebook into my desk drawer, but then I heard him start to speak, and I froze.

" 'I bled a lot tonight. I didn't really know if it would ever stop. But sometimes I think about what would happen if It didn't and I cut a little deeper. I think I want it. I think I want that more than anything.'"

I sighed. He'd definitely got far enough. He'd found one of what I'd started to call 'Without Edward books' in my head. They were random thoughts that I'd bothered to write down, from the entirety of his absence up until a few weeks ago. I let out a sigh, shaking my head.

"It's nothing. It was before…when you were gone…I don't feel that way anymore."

He stared at me for another long moment, shaking his head. "Promise me that you're alright. Promise me that I'm not losing you."

I bit down on my lip, sighing. "I don't know how I'm supposed to convince you of that. I promise. I promise okay?" I blew out a breath and then made my way over to him on the bed. "I'm fine, okay?" I ran a hand across his cheek, sighing.

"I love you…and I'm perfectly fine. I'm trying…anyway…" I closed my eyes for a minute and then shook my head. "Just…don't give up on me. I won't give up on you."

He looked at me for a long moment and then he nodded. He was quiet for the majority of the night. I wrote my papers and he watched me, just like what was originally planned and I fell asleep in his arms like I always did…but something felt different this time.

The morning came too quickly, just like it always did, and Edward was watching me contently just like he always was and everything felt normal. It was a nice feeling considering the night that was had.

"Charlie left for work early." was the first words out of Edwards mouth after noticing that I was awake. I stretched and then yawned. "Good morning to you too." I yawned again, as his eyes met mine.

"May I spend the morning with you?" He asked, an eyebrow raised. I nodded absentmindedly. "Sure. I have to jump in the shower though." I said eyeing him a moment or two. He nodded at me, brushing his lips against my cheek as I got out of bed and made my way across the hall to the bathroom. I couldn't fathom why he'd want ME to drive us to school this morning, but I wasn't going to complain. I liked my truck and I felt bad that I spent most of my time in the passenger seat of a shiny silver Volvo. After my shower, I headed downstairs ready for a quickie breakfast like always, but no such luck. Edward was making something elaborate. Or that's what it smelled like anyway. I walked into the kitchen surprised at the sight.

"You made me breakfast." It wasn't a question. He looked up at me and smiled.

"Just eggs." He handed me a plate of them.

"I wanted to try it out. This is it what it would be like If we were married."

I looked down at the eggs and then up at him.

"I'm really not all that hungry…I usually just grab some cereal…or a granola bar…or you know…like a bagel…" I said to no avail, he was pushing me more towards the table and handing me a fork. He sat me down and kissed the top of my head. "Eat." He said simply. "Please"

I really wasn't hungry at all. I usually forced myself to eat breakfast as it was. I looked at him, sighing. Anything to make him happy. I finished the full plate of eggs within minutes, but I started to feel sick. It was a strange sort of sick though, like the burning was back, and I needed to get it out of my body anyway I could. Without even a glance at Edward I ran up to the bathroom, hardly able to stand anymore I threw myself over the toilet, cringing with every heave. The eggs had been totally pointless. None of them were in my stomach now. I let out a sigh, leaning against the toilet for a few minutes. This had happened once before, right after Edward left. It was, what Charlie had thought, the beginning stages of bulimia, but I didn't enjoy it, I didn't even force it. It just happened. My body rejected the food, not me. I hadn't done it since I'd been cutting, but now that that was out of the picture, and Edward wouldn't sleep with me…my body was trying to get ready of the poisonous burning anyway that it could. I let out a sigh. Great. I was probably going to be really hungry later too. I glanced up at the door I'd forgotten to close in my haste and found Edward standing in the doorway staring at me.

"I feel sick." I said leaning against the toilet still. He continued to stare at me and then shook his head. "Liar." He mumbled.

I let out another sigh. "No. Honestly, this I can't control, it just happens sometimes…it's like…when you really have to pee. You can't just…not pee." I bit down on my lip ass he shook his head, his eyes looking everywhere but at me.

"You need help." He said, his eyes finally reaching me. "You need to see someone about all this…please?"

I frowned, shaking my head vigorously. "I can't. Charlie already tried this." I let out a sigh. "What am I supposed to say Edward? My vampire boyfriend left me last year because he thought it wasn't safe to be around me anymore and my werewolf best friend can't stand to be around me anymore, and my one true and only wish is to be a vampire just like my vampire boyfriend?" I raised a brow. "I don't really think that Charlie and Renee could handle me being sent to an insane asylum."

Edward shook his head, his face looking like if he could cry, he would be.

"Bella, we have to try. Something."

"Oh and by the way, Doc, did I mention he won't have sex with me because he thinks he'll break me in half?"

Edward rolled his eyes at my sarcastic tone and then let out an annoyed sigh. "What If I got you someone? Someone you knew? Someone who understood?"

I raised a brow at him, taken aback, I shook my head.

"Who?"

He looked at me for a moment, unsure of what my reaction would be.

"Promise you'll give it a chance." He said in a low voice.

"Who?" I said, still just a little surprised.

"Carlisle." He said clearly.

I stared at him, my mouth hanging open for a long while. Carlisle? Carlisle Cullen? I rolled my eyes.

"You have got to be kidding me." I mumbled, knowing that there really wasn't any way out of it.


	7. Christmas Or Thanksgiving?

**A/N: It's Jacob time. But don't worry. This will most likely end Bella/Edward I'm just seeing where my creative juices take me. Anyway. Please review. It makes my day.**

**Chapter 7: Christmas or Thanksgiving?**

I'd never thought that sitting across from Carlisle in his office would ever be this incredibly awkward. He was sweet about it though, knowing that I didn't really want to be here. He sat at his desk, writing notes down on a piece of paper, while looking in a book. I bit my lip.

"Edward's Crazy."

Carlisle looked up at me then, grinning. "I know. I've known him long enough to know that he's only crazy about the things he loves though."

I blushed, annoyed and then shook my head. "I'm fine, honest."

Carlisle raised a brow at me and then tilted his head slightly, "Bella, I'm willing to bet that you're a lot stronger then people give you credit for, or even that you give yourself credit for. I know what Edward means to you and I can't imagine what that felt like when he left…"

I looked up at him. "That's just it though isn't it? No one really understands. And it wasn't just Edward leaving. He clearly has no idea how I feel about this family or he would've never left. I love all of you even Rosalie and she hates me. By leaving…he took everyone important out of my life." I looked down at the floor at this point not able to make eye contact with him.

"Bella," Carlisle's smooth voice intervened. "What I meant was I'm extremely impressed you're still alive. You see how Edward reacted when he thought you were gone."

My head snapped up to look at him and I gave him a small smile, "Yeah, well, Edward's crazy."

Carlisle smiled at me. "Can I ask you something? Strictly not as your shrink."  
I smiled and nodded a little.

"Why? Why the cutting?"

I frowned, that was a really difficult question to answer. I bit down on my lip for a few moments, thinking.

"I guess…it's just nice to hurt sometimes. Nothing really ever…makes it better but...I don't know. I can't really explain it. It helps me forget."

Carlisle nodded, looking intrigued, "And nothing else…helps you forget?"

I looked up at him, shrugging. "Jacob Black." I let out a semi-bitter laugh. "I'm not really allowed to see him, much. Edward doesn't like it and…Jacob can't stand him so…I'm just…stuck between a rock and a hard place you know?" I bit down harder on my lip. "He's my best friend though. It's hard without him."  
Carlisle shook his head at me. "I am not the person you need to be talking to."

I bit my lip shrugging, "I know that and you know that, Edward Cullen doesn't know that." I let out a sigh running a hand through my hair.

Carlisle smiled at me and then got up and made his way over to the door, opening it to reveal Edward. I rolled my eyes, annoyed that he couldn't even wait till it was over to know what happened.

"No." was the first thing out of his mouth as he looked at Carlisle. Carlisle knew how to handle him though, I was always really impressed with him for that fact.

"Edward. This is bigger than you. It's bigger than me. She needs someone that isn't you. She needs a friend."

Edward growled, grinding his teeth. "Then she can talk to Alice."

I stood up then, making my way over to the pair of them. "Edward, I'm in the room and I'm also not 5 years old I can make decisions for myself and I agree with Carlisle…I want to see Jacob. He's important. And I miss him. And if you love me, and you don't want me to hurt myself then I suggest you let me go to La Push." He looked at me his face reading nothing but anger, then he let out an annoyed noise, shaking his head.

"Fine. Call Jacob. But I'm driving you to the treaty line and you will call me when you're ready to come home and I will pick you up."

I frowned at him crossing my arms.

"Jacob can drive me home. He'll get me home in one piece I promise."

He watched me for a long moment and then his face was serious…serious and sad. He took my hands in his. "Let me pick you up. Please. For my sanity…let me pick you up."

I nodded, as he handed me the cell the phone and I took it from him.

"Fine." I held the small black phone for a few moments. "And thank you. I'll be better. I promise." He touched my voice pulling me in so that he could kiss my forehead.

"Bella Swan…there isn't a thing I wouldn't do for you in this entire world." I smiled a little, pressing my forehead against his.

"I know that. That's why I love you so much." He pulled away slightly, leaning back in so that he could lightly brush his lips against mine. I was the one to pull away from him though, which was very new, but I was eager to call Jacob.

I flipped open the phone quickly dialing Jacob's number that I'd memorized by heart last year. The numbers felt so familiar as I dialed them.

One ring, Two rings, Three rings…was he going to answer? Four rings…

"Hello?"

His deep voice filled the phone and I couldn't help but smile. "Jacob!" I exclaimed excitedly, grinning up at Edward who just looked solemn

"Bella?" He said, and I could hear the excite me in his voice as well.

I grinned even wider. "Yeah, Jake, it's me. Can I come over? Like now?"

Jacob was quick to respond, "I thought the bloodsucker was against it?"

I sighed, ignoring his slight at my boyfriend. "He is. But he said it was okay if I come today."

I could practically feel Jacob rolling his eyes at me. "Oh, he said it was okay _today_ did he?"

I rolled my eyes and Edward raised a brow at me, I shook my head, letting him know that I was still going and then spoke clearly into the phone.

"Jacob, don't start. Can I come over or not?"

He was silent for a long moment and then I heard his voice again. "Yeah, sure. Do you need me to come get you?" He asked

"Um…sort of. Can you pick me up at the treaty line?"

Jacob laughed harshly into the phone. "Are you the unfortunate child of a divorced couple? Do I get Christmas or Thanksgiving?"

"Jake…stop it or I'm not coming." I said, my voice dripping with irritation.

He let out a sigh and then said. "Yeah, Okay, I'm leaving right now. I'll see you in a little bit."

"Bye Jake." I said, quickly pressing end. I looked up at Edward with a small smile. "You ready?"

He let out an annoyed sigh and rolled his eyes. "Ready as I'll ever be to drop you off with a bunch of puppies I suppose." He sighed again, reaching for his car keys.


	8. You Belong With Me

**A/N: So you're probably going to really hate me after this chapter…but…it had to happen. Review please. Even if you didn't like it. I'd love to hear you're opnions. Also. I'll try to get the next chapter up in a few days. Review it up!**

**Chapter 8: You Belong With Me**

The ride to the treaty line was quiet. Edward hadn't spoken since we got in the car. But at this point we were almost there and I really didn't want to leave him on bad terms. I needed him to be around tonight, when my happy high from Jacob was wearing off. So I tried to lighten the mood, just a little.

"You're not taking me to my death you know." He looked over at me, and his lips curved into a small smile.

"I know."

It was quiet again for a long moment. The only sound was my breathing which sounded a bit too loud at the moment.

"It's just what can he give you that I can't?"

I looked up at him, surprised that he'd spoken.

"I don't know, he's my best friend…he makes me laugh, he doesn't lie to me…he doesn't steal my things…" I added with a laugh, but stopped at the look on his face.

"That was a joke"

His grip tightened on the steering wheel.

"Well, it wasn't very funny."

I sighed. "Jacob Black is my best friend."

"I thought Alice was your best friend."

"No…Alice is a god send. There's a difference."

"And I am?" He asked, throwing it in, like it was just a whim, just a pointless question that didn't matter, but I knew that it did matter to him. I looked up at him, my eyes wide

"Everything." I answered him as he pulled up to the treaty line, I could see Jacob from where we were and Edward looked over at my.

"Be safe. You're my everything too. I don't want my everything in pieces when I come back."

…

Jacob was not being gracious. After the intial hug and the "Christ, It's great to see you Bells!' It was back to the constant tirade of. 'How's the blood sucker treating you?' 'Did he lock you up in a tower yet?' 'So, no really, Christmas or thanksgiving?' I had to refrain from slapping him twice. When we were walking on the beach together, I finally had to tell him to shut up.

"Jacob, Please! I came here to have fun with you. I need fun really bad right now. Can you please just be my best friend and give me that?"

He frowned at me, but nodded nonetheless. "Thank you." I let out in a breath as we continued to walk along the beach.

Jacob shoved his hands into his pockets and we were both silent for a long time. Then he reached over and grabbed my hand and held it. Just like we used to. I looked up at him, giving him a half a smile.

"Edward knows now. About the cutting. He's..upset."

Jacob looked at me and then nodded. "Yeah, figured he wouldn't be happy. I wasn't."

I bit down on my lip, sighing. "You never asked me to stop though."

Jacob looked up at me raising a brow. "Well of course I didn't, what good was that going to do? You wouldn't have stopped and all that would've done was made you annoyed with me."

I let out a sigh but I was smiling. "And that, Jacob Black is why I belong with you."  
Jacob stopped dead in his tracks, and I knew then that I'd said the wrong thing. Sometimes I was so stupid. Sometimes I truly forgot that Jacob was in love with me. He stared at me for a long time and then turned away from me.

"Bella…" He said, letting out a breath.

"Jake, before you say anything. I didn't…I didn't mean it like that…I love Edward. He may be obnoxious and…sort of controlling but…I…I'm sorry I said that."  
Jacob let out a bitter laugh. "You are not. You are not sorry you said that. You meant it. Bella, I really wish you would stop lying to yourself! You love me just as much as I love you, but you can't admit, because you're afraid to leave that reeking bloodsucker!"

I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes shook my head. "Stop it. That isn't true. I love him!" I screamed at him.

"No, Bella, you think you're supposed to love him. You think it's this epic romance, when in reality he ISN'T supposed to exsist! You know it! You know if he'd never exsisted you would be with me right now. You belong with me. You said it yourself." He shook his head, I could feel the anger rolling off of him in his waves.

"We were so close, Bella, and you had to run off to Italy to save HIM when you didn't owe him anything, and you certainly didn't owe him a trip to Italy and to be grounded for the rest of forever. Bella what are you doing?"

He grabbed my arms pushing up my sleeves hard. "Look! Look at what he's making you do! Do you see? This is NOT you. Bella make a decision about your life." He said dropping my arms. "What are you doing?' He asked his eyes boring into mine.

I looked up at him, the tears rolling down my eyes uncontrollably.

"I don't…I honestly have no idea." I said, before wrapping my arms around him, holding onto him tight before pressing my lips hard to his. He kissed me back with such force that I thought my lips might be bruised, but it wasn't horrible. It felt right and good, and nice and I finally felt like I wasn't going to break just because I was being kissed. I pulled away for a moment staring into his eyes that had the intensity of a burning fire.

"Oh Jacob…" I let out in a breath. He pulled back. "Mistake?" He asked me, unsure of what my next actions wree going to be.

"No…not a mistake." I reached up to kiss him again, but he pulled back quickly.

"Whoa…Bella…you have a boyfriend." He said it like it was the first time we'd both ever heard the news.

"I know." I whispered, I looked down for a moment and then reached up to kiss him again, but he pulled back once more.

"Bella." He said sharply as if reprimanding me.

"Please Jacob," I whispered desperately. "I need it. I need you."

Within seconds his lips were pressed to mine again, and I couldn't exactly concentrate on much else. Soon, all I could feel were his hands, and the sand and a little water and it all didn't even matter. I was wrapped up in Jacob and he was wrapped up in me and it felt so good, and he was so warm, and I could hardly think let alone be depressed. Being a virgin, I'd had no idea what it was going to feel like, It didn't feel GOOD, but it didn't feel BAD either. It was nice. A mixture of highs and lows but it felt good to be that much a part of someone. I knew it wouldn't have been this way with Edward, he would've been too worried about breaking me. Somehow hurting me. Jacob hadn't been gentle in the least bit, only the parts that called for it. And those parts were nice. All of it was nice. Jacob was nice. Jacob who was lying next to me, still trying to catch his breath, looked over at me.

"You're all sandy." He said with a little bit of a laugh.

I looked over at him, shaking my head. "I love you." The words fell from my mouth before they even registered.

Jacob's smile could've lit all of forks with it's brightness. "I love you too." The words flowed from him with such ease. It scared me a little. What was I doing? I shook the thoughts from my head. This was my time with Jacob. I would worry about Edward later.

Jacob quickly gathered up our clothing, handing me mine, while managing to put his on at the same time.

"Ugh." I let out once dressed. "Clothes, on sand, on skin. Not the best feeling in the whole world."

"Do you want to shower?" He asked, looking up at me. "I don't think Billy's home…and we could both use one."

I looked up at him, raising a brow. "Are you trying to get me naked? Again?"

Jacob frowned, shaking his head. "No. I was trying to make you feel better."

I let out a laugh. "I'd love a shower. Thanks for the offer."

The walk back to Jacob's house was filled with nothing but laughter and quick stolen kisses. We were both far too happy for our own goods. But once we arrived at Jacob's house, Billy was out as expected. Jacob let me shower first and then he took his own as I relaxed in his room. It was tiny, it seemed too small for Jacob. How did he fit? But once he joined me, he seemed to fit just fine.

"Bella?" He asked, once sitting on the bed with me.

I looked up at him. "Yeah?" I asked, scooting just a little closer to him, taking his hand.

"I like this. A lot. And…I like being with you and being able to kiss you whenever I want…that's nice too…I…I miss you, Bells and I love you."

I looked at him again my eyes boring into his for a few minutes before I pressed my lips to his lightly.

"I need you Jacob." And that was all I had to say. All I had to say to re-enact what happened at the beach. A part of me knew that I was being completely manipulative, that I was using Jacob in a sense, but I really did need this. I'd fix everything eventually. Everything would get fixed. After the second time, I was asleep within minutes. Who knew the act had such a tiring effect?

When I woke up, all I could see was Jacob hurriedly putting his clothes on. I sat up confused, I ran a hand through my hair, shaking my head.

"What are you doing?" I asked, my voice sounding tired.

Jacob looked back at me throwing me my shirt. "I have to take you home. Get dressed."

"What, why?" I asked, panicking just a little. What was going on?

"Just get dressed, Bella." Was the only response I got, so I did, He led me quickly out to the car, I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye to Billy. He drove in silence and I was too afraid to speak. I hardly ever saw him intense like this. Once we reached the treaty line. He parked and there was nothing but more silence in the car.

"Oh..crap. I…I forgot to call Edward…he doesn't know I'm ready…I can call now…he'll be here in 20 minutes." But Jacob wasn't listening to me anymore. He just started driving.

"You don't have to take me all the way home. Edward wants to pick me up…" He was still silent, but he accelerated just slightly.

"Jake…what is it? What's wrong?" I asked, my heart skipping several beats as I watched his face. Still no answer. When he reached my house, he parked and then turned to me.

"I'll see you soon, Bella."

I frowned at him, crossing my arms over my chest. "I am NOT leaving until you tell me what the hell is wrong with you!" I said staring at him. "You're acting like Edward, and it's freaking me out." I said in a clear voice.

He turned away from me for a long moment, letting out a breath. "Billy walked in on us asleep. He's really angry…and…he might call Charlie."

I stared at him, shaking my head. "So therefore you're angry at me?" I asked, confused.

He looked at me eyes wide, "No..I thought…you'd be…angry at me."

I blinked, frowning. "No. I mean…this…complicates things a little but…I'll just intercept the call and…You just have to get far far away before Edward- " but a light buzzing nose interrupted me. I looked down at the black cell phone in my hand, flashing 'Edward' and buzzing.

"…Calls." I finished. I leaned in and pressed my lips to his lightly. "Don't worry about it. I'll come see you soon." I said quickly before practically falling out of the car. I flipped open the phone and pressed into my ear as Jacob drove away.

"Hi. I'm so sorry I forgot to call and Jacob was already on the way, and so he just dropped me off. I'm really sorry. Are you mad?"

There was silence on the other end and then a soft. "No. Are you home now? Can I come see you?"

I thought for a moment biting my lip. "Oh um…Can you come a bit later? I just…should spend some time with Charlie. I'll see you up in my room tonight though."

"Oh." His voice sounded hurt, and I felt so guilty. "Yeah, okay. Sure. I'll see you tonight. And Bella?"

"Yes?" I asked, my hand on the doorknob.

"I hope you had fun today." More guilt easing its way into my body.

"I'll see you later." I said before snapping the phone shut. I took a deep breath.

I slept with Jacob, twice. Edward was making me feel guilty and he wasn't even doing it on purpose and Billy Black was about to ruin my life. Yup, sounds like my life.

I opened the door, walking into the house. "I'm home!" I said making my way into the kitchen, eyeing the phone as I did so.

"Bella?" He asked, as if someone else lived here, I rolled my eyes.

"Yup." I called back, getting myself a glass of water. He was in the living room watching television, this meant that if the phone rang, he wouldn't even bother getting up. I felt all the nerves drain from me. It was going to be alright.

"You're mom called. She says if you don't e-mail her back tonight, she's flying down here and forcing you to give her every detail of your last week."

I groaned, rolling my eyes. "I'll go e-mail her back right now." I said turning to trudge up the stairs. The sound of the phone ringing had never sent a bigger chill down my spine.  
"I'll get it!" I screamed excitedly, rushing back towards the phone, but Charlie was quicker than me. Once I got there his hand was already on the phone.

"No, I've got it, go write your mother." I stood frozen in place as he answered the phone.

"Billy!" He said excitedly as he heard the person on the other line. My heart sank.

He was quiet for a long time, staring at me and then nodding, like Billy could see him. 'Mhm.' He mumbled. 'Uh-huh' He said sounding angry, and then a quick. "Thank you Billy, I'll speak with her." He hung up quickly, staring at me.

"Isabella Marie Swan." I winced at my full name. I let out a sigh.

"Remember that I'm 18."

Charlie scoffed, shaking his head. "You know Bella, I could book you for this. Jacob is not 18. He's actually 16, which, Bella may I remind you, is against the law."

I frowned, trying hard to keep my cool.

"Jacob, is my best friend and I love him and I thought you wanted me to date him!" I screamed, angry now.

Charlie looked at me shaking my head. "Sure, if you weren't already dating someone else."

The lie came to my head quickly. It was the only way out.

"No. We broke up. Today, actually. I broke up with him. I want to be with Jake."

Charlie raised a brow. "Really?" He asked, I knew how awkward this must be for him.

I nodded. "Yes, Really."

"Don't get pregnant."

I let out a half laugh. "We were careful. Don't worry."

"Tell Billy you broke up with Edward…and uh…Bella?" I turned to face him.

"Yes?"

"You have an open door rule now. Bedroom door's open when Jakes here." I nodded.

"Mmhm. Got it."

I practically ran up the stairs, to my bedroom wanting nothing more than to get away from him. But once I got there, I realized that wasn't the place I wanted to be in the least. Edward sat on my bed, his expression one of complete sadness. He looked up at me and I wanted to die.

"Why?" He whispered softly.

Sometimes, having a vampire boyfriend who could read everybody's mind was the worst. I had no idea how I was going to explain. I wanted to personally ring Billy Black's neck.


	9. You Meant It

**A/N: So, two chapters tonight just for all of you wonderful people who reviewed and asked for it. I really appreciate it. Review again please!**

The air in my room changed at this point. I could feel his anger and sadness so clearly. It came off of him in ripples, hitting me like waves from the ocean. I'd never felt guiltier in my whole life. Why'd he have to be so calm? I'd prefer it if he was screaming at me.

"Why?" He asked again, I must've been silent for a long time, but I hadn't noticed. I looked up at him, biting down on my lip, shrugging.

"Why, what?" I asked, playing pitifully dumb. He looked up at me, shaking his head slightly.

"I heard Charlie…" He started, but I was quick to cut him off.

"Maybe you should stop eaves dropping on my father." I quipped annoyed for some reason, though I had no right to be.

"I can't control things that are being screamed at me Bella, You're father is not happy…and neither am I."

I rolled my eyes, glad that I could handle this with annoyance rather than breaking down and bawling.

"I don't know what to tell you." I said, my eyes not looking into his. I couldn't stand that.

I could feel him sigh, but I still didn't look up at him.

"You don't know what to tell me? Bella, what is going on? I…I've given you every single thing that I have. Can you please just tell me how to fix this? Or at least what I did to deserve this?"

I looked up at him then, sure that my eyes were close to daggers now. "You left." I said through my teeth. My eyes not leaving his face at all at this point.

His eyes bored back into mine for a long moment, it was such a long moment that I thought he'd never look away, but eventually, he sighed his hand going up to pull at his hair. I could tell he was irritated. He had no right to be.

"Bella, you cannot hold this against me forever." His voice was calm, still, perfect.

I shook my head. "Oh, Yes, I can Edward Cullen, You have no idea what you did to me! Would you like to see it?" I said, pushing up my sleeves, holding both of my forearms out in front of me.

"Look Edward Cullen! You did this! YOU! So don't you dare tell me that I was WRONG for sleeping with Jacob. Because at least I didn't leave you here all by yourself with no one to help you dull the pain of the love of your life picking god knows what over you."

I shook my head, staring at him. "Why the fuck did you even come back!?"

Edward said nothing the whole time, I didn't even think he could move at this point. He was frozen in place.

I heard my door open before I saw Charlie. Actually, I heard his voice before I saw him as well.

"Christ Bella! What did you do to yourself?"

I turned around slowly as Charlie rushed to me, taking my arms in his hands. "Bells, what is going on!? What is he doing here?" He said his head snapping up to look at Edward.

"I was just leaving." He said swiftly, trying to squeeze his way past Charlie and me.

"No Edward, wait! I'm sorry. I'm sorry…I…I didn't mean it. Jesus. Edward…I'm so sorry. Stay, Please."

Charlie scoffed. "Bella, I don't really think you should have company right now…or ever. We need to talk."

I let out a desperate nosie. "Edward, Please. I didn't mean it."

He looked at me and then shook his head slightly. "Yes you did. You meant every word. And Bella? I think we just broke up. If I can't give you happiness anymore…maybe Jacob Black can. Be Happy." He ended with a sigh, as he pushed past Charlie and I and was out of sight before I could even register our break-up. I looked up at Charlie only now aware of the tears blurring my vision.

"I'm sorry." I choked out, but I wasn't sure if that was intended for Edward or Charlie.

Charlie pulled me into a hug, for one of the second times that I'd been living here.

"Bells, It's alright. We'll get you help. It's going to be alright." He practically whimpered in my ear.

I really hated when people said that. It was never alright.


	10. Falling Apart

**A/N: I really enjoy reviews! **

It was a very, very, long night. Charlie was asking every question I had never wanted him to ask. We sat at our tiny kitchen table, across from each other, and every question he asked, I answered even though I didn't want to. The first question was standard.

"Did you do this to yourself Bella?" Charlie asked me as I responded with a quick nod.

The next question was standard as well. Easy.

"When did you do this?"

I let out a sigh, biting my lip. "Um…which one?" I said, looking down at my scars.

Charlie kept his eyes on my face, I could tell that he didn't want to look at my scars. It hurt him too much. That was the worst part, knowing that I hurt Charlie.

"How long?" He said, sill staring at my face. I looked up at him and then shrugged.

"Awhile…since Edward left." I said, shrugging, like it was no big thing.

He was quiet for a long time, then he reached over to take my hand.

"Bells, I didn't know he messed you up this bad. You never said anything. Part of this is my fault…I should've seen it. I know that…but I thought you were alright…I thought after Jacob…"

I squeezed his hand tight, "Dad," I whispered, shaking my head. "This is not your fault. It never was. Please. Please don't think that. I WAS okay, after Jacob. You did everything you could have. I…I was okay. I AM okay. I'm not…" I let out a sigh. "I'm not doing this anymore." I said gesturing to the scars, "I'm not."

Charlie looked up at me, raising a brow. "You're not? Why not?"

I bit my lip, shrugging.

"Edward didn't want me to. That's…pretty much the reason."

Charlie shook his head at me, "That's another thing I don't understand. Edward. Are you two together or not? And what was he doing in your bedroom?" He leaned in closer to me, his face becoming serious.

"Bella…is he hurting you?"

My eye's widened and I shook my head over and over again,

"God…no! He'd never…Dad, no. He doesn't hurt me…hasn't hurt me." I stopped, frowning. "…Besides that whole…leaving me thing…Dad, I had some problems, but I'm getting over them. I'm okay. I'm just…really tired…Can I please go to bed now?" Charlie watched me for a long time and then shook his head.

"I want you to see someone Bella…"

I groaned loudly. "Aw, Dad, I'm fine! I promise-" But I was cut off.

"Bella, It's that...or you're going to have to talk to me."

I sighed and then nodded. "Fine."

"And you're going to have to talk to your mother."

"DAD!" I practically screamed. "You CAN'T be serious!"

"I'm completely serious" He responded, as I stood up, angry tears springing to my eyes. "I'm going to bed." I said before turning and storming up the stairs to my depressingly empty bedroom.

I collapsed onto my bed, trying to fight back the tears. I didn't want to cry anymore. I was so sick of it. I rolled onto my side and realized there was something in my pocket. A small black cell phone. I pulled it out, flipping it open. I dialed the numbers before I even realized what I was doing. Jacob picked up the phone in one ring.

"Jake…" I whispered into the phone. "I really need you." The tears were a waterfall now. I couldn't the last 24 hours. I just couldn't.

"Hey…hey…what's wrong?' He asked, his voice softer than it usually was.

"Charlie knows about me cutting…" I had more to say, but at this point I was bawling.

"Bella, come on, talk to me." Jacob sounded so desperate. I couldn't stop myself from wishing that he was there with me. I needed someone to hold me. I was that much a mess.

"E-edward…broke up with me…and…I have to tell R-renee. Jacob, I just can't….I feel like I'm falling apart…I…I want…my blades…and I don't have them anymore…"

"Bella, relax, I'm coming over. Just breathe. Bella, stay whole until I get there. Then you can fall apart all over me."

It took everything I had to not fall apart. I was crying so hard that I couldn't breathe. I wanted to die and where the hell was Jacob? This was the most excruciating pain I'd ever felt. It hurt to think and breathe and just be. When Jacob came through my window, I felt such a sense of relief, My medicine was here. My pain reliever, but that didn't stop me from making the window connection between Edward and Jacob. How was I going to live without him? I'd completely fallen apart last time when he'd left…how was I going to pull myself together? I practically flew into his arms, my own arms wrapping around his neck. I was still crying as I clung to him. He didn't say anything and neither did I, but It didn't even matter, all I needed was his embrace.

"Sh, Bella, it's okay…it's okay." Jacob whispered in my ear. As I continued to cling to him. He led me over to my bed and I knew he was going to want to talk. But I didn't want to talk. It wasn't what I needed. I sniffed, wiping furiously at my face to get rid of the obnoxious tears that were refusing to stop falling. I pressed my lips to his, hard, just wanting him to comfort me this way. I tried to force some explanation in the kiss. 'Please Jacob,' My lips begged, but he had suddenly become rigid. It was like kissing a very warm piece of metal. I pulled away to look at him.

"W-what?" I asked lightly, genuinely confused. It wasn't like we were crossing any boundaries.

"I thought you wanted to talk." He frowned at me. I bit down at my lip and then shrugged.

"I did. Do. I…I don't know…it comes in stages."

He watched me a long moment and then stood up, leaving me shell-shocked on my bed.

"Bella, you haven't even told me what's going on...You were crying so hard on the phone that I could barely understand you and now…you want to have sex?" He asked me, his face was sad though, not angry, and I couldn't figure out why.

"No…okay…well I wouldn't complain if we did but…if you don't want to…" I closed my eyes shaking my head.

"Jacob, I'm sorry. I just don't know what to do with myself." He slowly made his way back over to the bed, sitting down next to me. He placed an arm around me, kissing the side of my head and rubbing my shoulder.

"Bells, it's okay. Just…talk to me okay?"

I looked up at him, let out a breath and spilled the entire story, starting with Billy calling and ending with Charlie's talk with me. Jacob listened his face changing from intense to more intense all the while.

"Bells, I'm glad that Charlie found out. I was…am really worried about you. You should go see someone. It'll give you a chance to talk, figure out what's going on with you and…I'll be here, holding your hand all the way. But…" He stopped for a moment looking away from me.

"Am I doing that as your best friend or you boyfriend?"

I looked up at him, shocked. That scenario had never even crossed my mind. Boyfriend? But Edward was my boyfriend. Then the realization of the fact that Edward WASN"T my boyfriend anymore hit me and the tears started up again.

"I…I don't…I can't…" I closed my eyes, trying hard to center my breathing. I felt like I was hyperventilating.

"Bella, come on." Jacob said, his voice sounding anxious and tired, and upset.

"You can't keep putting this off. You have to choose. I can't just be here whenever you need someone to…fool around with. Bella, that's not me."

He couldn't have made me feel worse if he tried.

"Jake, that's not what it is. You aren't…You're so much more than what you think you are Jacob, I swear. It has nothing to do with 'just feeling around'!"

He looked up at me for a long time, I could see tears forming in his eyes and it made me want to die.

"Then be with me, Bella. You said it yourself. You belong with me. Tell me you want to be with me. Say it."

I looked up at him, not knowing how this was going to end, the words were on the tip of my tongue but they weren't coming out.

"Jake…" I whispered.

He shook his head t me, sighing. "Bella, there shouldn't have to be a pause. I can say it. I can say it just fine. Bella, I want to be with you. Bella, I love you. Bella, please be with me. I LOVE you, Bella." He finished, standing up as I shook my head standing up as well.

"Jake…" I said shaking my head, standing up as well, but instead of answering him, I just wrapped my arms around his neck and pressed a light kiss to his lips.

"I want to be with you."

He looked at me, unable to move it seemed. "You do?" He raised a brow. "Honestly?"

I nodded. "Honestly. But not now."

He frowned, and raised a brow again. "I don't understand."

"I need time Jake..I need…I just need time okay?"

Jacob nodded. "Yeah…okay." He made to leave my room and my whole body froze.

"Wait…Jacob…please…stay the night?"

He looked at me but didn't say a word, just gestured for me to get into bed, I followed his lead, not wanting him to leave.

"Thank you." I whispered before falling asleep.


	11. Parental Charlie

**A/N: Don't freak out…this is still an Edward/Bella story. Bella just has tough choices to make. I'm just making it a little bit harder on her. Also. Review please!**

He was gone when I woke up the next morning and I was semi-grateful. We both had school anyhow, and talking…was not something that I wanted to do. Especially about my complicated life this early in the morning, I took a shower, trying my hardest not to think about anything that even remotely seemed complicated. After my shower, I made my way down the stairs for breakfast, but a pair of whispered voices reached my ears before I got there.

Charlie's voice was the most distinguishable, whispering feverishly.

"I don't know if I can handle this on my own, It's why I called you. I…I wasn't equipped to handle THIS."

Then, with a jolt of surprised, I recognized the second voice. My mother's. Renee was here. Great.

"Well, Charlie, this doesn't sound anything like her, She's much more responsible than that, I know my Bella, and this is just completely ridiculous."

"I thought I knew her too." Charlie rebutted. "But she's changed Renee, I...wait until you see her."

"And you're saying all this is over some boy?" She asked raising a brow. "That doesn't sound like Bella either, She's very independent."

Charlie let out a sigh, "You have to see it for yourself Renee." But he didn't sound frustrated. Sometimes, I thought that he was still in love with my mother. She was completely beautiful in her own right if not slightly child-like.

I took a deep breath and turned on the smile, rushing downstairs, like I was just in a hurry to get to school.

"Mom! Hi!" I said, faking my enthusiasm. She didn't look upset, a little confused and concerned, but not upset. She was sitting across from Charlie at the kitchen table, just like I had been last night.

"Bella!" She said her playful smile taking over her face as she saw me. I hoped the way I looked wouldn't give me away. I went over and gave her a hug, I was genuinely happy to see her. I missed her, I just wished that the circumstances were much different.

"I can't believe you're here!" I said kissing her cheek, and then pulling out of her embrace and moving into the kitchen to pour myself a glass of orange juice. I gulped it down, still playing up my 'in a hurry' bit.

"It's really great seeing you Mom, but I really have to get going, but I'll see you later tonight right? I assume you're staying?" I said pouring out the rest of my orange juice into the sink, and then rushing past her and kissing her cheek again. "Love you mom, bye. Bye Dad." I said picking up my backpack which was lying on the floor by the door.

"Bells?" Charlie asked, as I turned around.

"Yeah Dad?" I said trying my hardest to just avoid this part.

"Where are you going?" He asked, eyebrow raised.

"Um…school?" I said, bititng down on my lip.

Charlie nodded. "Fine. School is fine…but…no La push after school. Come straight home. No Jacob. No Edward. Home."

I stared at him for a long moment. "Are you…are you grounding me?"

"No…Bella…I just want you to come home. You're mother's here."

I nodded, "Yeah, Okay fine." I mumbled before walking out the door, slamming it a little. I had never been angrier at Charlie. Actually, I'd never been angry at Charlie at all…but calling my mother in? That was such a cheap shot.

I stomped my way to my truck, throwing my bag inside, slamming the door shut. I rested my forehead against the steering wheel, letting out a long sigh. How did my life get this way? Half of me really wished that I'd never come here. Never come to this rainy hell of a place. I started driving, feeling a little calmer at this point. I just wanted to get to school, the sooner I got there, the sooner it'd be over.

I parked in my usual spot, noticing the shiny silver Volvo parked across from me. I felt a sharp pain coming from my heart. I really wanted to be inside of that car, but I shook it off, walking directly into the school. I was a little late, but not too much, but late enough to go straight to class. Mr. Berty nodded a greeting at me as I found my way to my seat. Mike and Edward were both already in theirs. This was sure to be a fun English class. Mr. Berty talked for awhile, going over the reading form last night that I hadn't done. I was anxious though, I couldn't listen to him anymore. Edward hadn't looked at me at all since I walked in. He just sat there, staring at the board like he was actually interested, like he needed to be here. He'd done high school a million times; I doubted he really needed to know the importance of Elizabeth Bennett's relationship with Mr. Darcy in Pride and Prejudice, come to think of it. Neither did I. We'd lived it. Once Mr. Berty had passed out the quizzes, I turned my body to face him.

"Edward." I said to get his attention.

He turned his head slightly to look over at me. "Oh, Good morning Bella, How are you today? You look tired." He asked, acting like none of my answers to those questions would affect him greatly.

I frowned. "I'm not too good. My boyfriend broke up with me last night and Charlie called my mom so…I'm just…really…fucking fantastic." I said through my teeth.

He looked taken aback at my choice of language. "Well, that was unnecessary." He said, flatly. "What is it that you're trying to tell me, Bella?" He asked ,his voice still calm.

I was completely frustrated by him. Even though I knew he was doing it on purpose.

"So what, then, you're just going to be polite to me and everything's just gone?"

He looked at me, his eyes a little confused. "That is what you wanted…isn't it Bella?"

I let out an annoyed noise, "What? NO! You broke up with me remember?"

There was a scraping of a chair, and now suddenly, Mike Newton was in our conversation.

"You guys broke up?" He asked curiously as, I turned to look at him. Edward and I spoke simultaneously.

His response? Yes.

My Response? No.

Edward stared at me for a long moment as I rolled my eyes and he turned to Mike. "Yes. We did. And no. I won't rip your head off if you invite her to Tyler's party next Saturday."

Mike turned bright red, and then mumbled something incoherent and then went to work on his test.

I glared up at Edward, letting out a sigh. "I'm sorry I slept with Jacob. Okay? I shouldn't have done that." I whispered at him, as he began filling out his own quiz.

"Bella, start your quiz. I don't think you want to have to explain to your parents bad grades on top of everything else."

I rolled my eyes, glancing down at my quiz. I had no desire to finish it. "Can't we just talk?"

He looked up at me, "About what?"

I sighed, shrugging. "Everything. Just a talk. Please?"

He stared at me for another half a moment, and then nodded. "Fine. I'll see you at lunch."

I gave him half a smile as Mr. Berty came over to us, taking both of our quizzes and ripping them up.

"Talking during a quiz. Zero's all around. Edward, I would've expected more from you." He said, sounding disappointed and turning to walk away.

I glanced over at Edward. "Like you haven't read the book 27 times."

He smirked at me, shaking his head. "Look who's talking. If Jane Austen was still alive, I'm ridiculously sure you'd be a bit of a fan girl."

I rolled my eyes, but on the inside, I was smiling. I was starting to realize there were days when I really needed Edward Cullen.


	12. Soulmate

**A/N: Review!**

After I'd spent half of lunch, begging Mr. Berty to let me take the test again, I made my way to the cafeteria, my eyes scanning the large room for Edward. He wasn't sitting with his family, but he wasn't sitting anywhere else either. I frowned, my mind automatically jumping to the conclusion that he'd left early and was planning on skipping our meeting, but I was needless to say, pleasantly surprised, when I heard his voice behind me.

"Looking for someone?" His calm voice said, I turned around quickly unable to hide my smile.

"Just you." I said truthfully. He nodded, his eyes searching my face for something, but what, I couldn't tell.

"We have a few minutes before lunch ends. I suppose we should talk."

I nodded, wanting absolutely nothing more than to talk. I pulled him out into the empty hall. Everyone was either eating or out in the parking lot so it was pretty quiet. I leaned against someone's locker, crossing my arms over my chest as I looked up at him.

"I'd say that I'm sorry for sleeping with Jacob, but I have a feeling that it won't matter."

Edward surveyed my face for a long moment. "I won't lie to you, Bella, I was…really angry for awhile…and then…I was just upset and…then I wasn't anything anymore. I didn't…feel anything about it because…Bella, it's okay." He finished.

I stared at him, shock rushing through me. "It's okay?' I asked confused. "It's alright that I slept with Jacob?" I raised a brow, as he nodded. I blinked still completely confused. "Either you're crazy or I'm dreaming."

He grinned, letting out a small chuckle, shaking his head. "It's okay Bella, because Jacob Black is the natural path you're life would have taken, had I not existed. I see that, and I understand that. I've always prided myself on the fact that I've never pressured you into this. That it was your choice. And it is. Jacob Black can give you things that I can never dream of giving you. So-" but I cut him off, shaking my head vigorously.

"Like what?" I questioned, but I wasn't being a smart ass, I genuinely wanted to know. What was it that Jacob Black could give me that Edward Cullen couldn't? Maybe it would help the debate in my head.

Edward stared at me for a moment and then let out a sigh.

"A child. A normal life. Jacob Black can give you that happy retired old couple ending. Grandchildren. College. Bella, have you ever thought about how much you were giving up…by being with me?"

I stared at him, my eyes wide. I shook my head after a moment or two.  
"Okay. Mike Newton could give me those things, What's special about Jacob, specifically?" I pressed, as he raised his brows at me.

"Well I don't know that part, I thought you might, considering your exchange of bodily fluids the other night."

I narrowed my eyes at him, and then shook my head.

"It's just…I can name a million things about you that are unique to YOU, things that I'll only receive by being with you."

He kept an eyebrow raised, inquiring, but he didn't ask. I let out a sigh.

"Well, I'd be immortal, one…There'd be so much passion in my life that I couldn't breathe, two…" I let my eyes trail up to meet his, letting out a soft sigh. "You're my soul mate." I whispered at the end, to his shocked face.

His eyes never left my face after that, he hardly blinked. "What makes you say that?" He whispered after what felt like an hour.

I looked down at the floor, my eyes counting the amount of tiles on it, before I answered. "I can live without Jacob Black. I just keep thinking back to when Alice came back…and…she told me that you were going to kill yourself…"

I shook my head, remembering that moment was hard. Old emotions were flooding back to me, all over me and the evidence was pooling into my eyes, my bottom lip was quivering and I knew I must look like an idiot.

"That was one of the worst days of my life and Jacob was so mad at me for wanting to go and save you, because, Jacob is the greatest friend I've ever had, and he just didn't want me to get hurt. But I had to go. I owed it to myself to go. I...I couldn't picture my life, without knowing that you were somehow in it."

I swallowed, hard, blinking back a few tears. "I was perfectly alright, knowing that when I got back, Jacob wasn't going to be my friend anymore, and that Edward Cullen, is the reason I know that you're my soul mate. I cannot and will not allow myself to live without you." I finished, my eyes finally meeting his again.

There was a long silence, and I welcomed it, my brain was still trying to catch up with the words I'd spoken. It all made perfect sense to me now. I could live without Jacob Black, I couldn't live without Edward. Jacob Black, was my medicine, he took away the pain when Edward wasn't there, and he was my best friend, but put Edward back into that picture and I could live without him. I didn't want to, granted, I loved Jacob, with all of my heart, but if having Jacob in my life got rid of Edward Cullen, I was sure that I wouldn't survive it. How had it taken me so long to figure that out? I was so incredibly stupid. I looked up at Edward who was still staring at me. Then his voice broke through my thoughts.

"Is this it then? Are you choosing?" My eyes locked on his for several long moments and then I nodded. "Yes. I'm choosing….I choose…I choose you." I blinked. "I always knew that I would…I don't…I don't really know what I was doing before..I…I was just so…confused. Messed up." I bit down hard on my lip, shaking my head. "But it all makes sense now."

"Bella?" He asked quietly, as I looked up at him again.

"I love you. I choose you as well, not that I ever had another choice …but…I don't really think you should be…in an exclusive relationship right now. I'll be here. I'll still be yours, when you're ready for me…but right now. I think you need to work things out with your family…and get things squared away with Jacob…but I will be here Bella. I will be here." He finished, his eyes never leaving my face. I nodded slowly.

"I trust you. I'm going to get my life back together, Edward I swear."

He smiled at me, his perfect lips curling up in just the right way. "I know." He mumbled. "I think I knew before you did. Granted, I had a little help. Alice." He said, shrugging. "For awhile there, she couldn't see your future. But um…this morning? It came back. So I think I might've known before you did."

I stared at him, my eyes grew wider. "I subconsciously made the decision to be with you before I knew that's what I wanted?"

He smiled at me sheepishly and then nodded. I closed my eyes for a long moment and then opened them.

"Jacob will never forgive me." I said in a small voice as he took my hand and squeezed it lightly.

"Maybe not. But you'll be okay."

I smiled at him, squeezing his hand back. "Yeah. I know. You're holding my hand." I finished in a whisper.

I wanted to leave now, go home, talk to Charlie and Renee, then call Jacob, tell him everything, plead with him to stay my friend..but I had two more classes left before the day was over and I knew that ditching them wouldn't please Charlie OR Renee. So I allowed Edward to walk me to my next class, but paying attention was completely out of the question, so it was with thoughts of my parents disappointment in me and Jacob Black's pain that I found my way into the girl's locker room for P.E.


	13. Letting Go

**A/N: So I thought I'd post one more chapter before I got really busy with school. (First day of college tomorrow!) so, here you go. I'll try to get another one up during my break tomorrow, but if not, you'll get it sometime later this week. Thank you a ton for reviewing. They totally make me day and a special thinks to TCatCouture, they wrote me like a paragraph and that's so so so nice, and totally appreciated so thanks. Anywhooo here's the chapter. Oh and Review! **

After I got home, I spent some time with Renee, but she was much less obvious than Charlie and it wasn't horrible to have someone to talk to. So I wasn't irritated or angry. I was just spending time with my mother. She asked me about the scars and I told her, I told her absolutely everything right down to choosing between Jacob and Edward. She said she'd liked to meet them both. I said, I could hardly get them to stay in the same room together. Renee told me that she was glad that I'd followed my heart and that she knew I was going to get better because I'd made a definite decision. She suspected that the reason, I'd be so incredibly messed up was because my heart hadn't decided what it wanted so it was torn in two places. It made sense. But that didn't stop her from finding me a therapist. But that was okay. I could live with that. I could make up something to tell a therapist if that's what it took to let everyone know that I was okay again. If that's what it took for Edward to be in a relationship with me again, I'd do it.

I made dinner for everyone, chicken alfredo pasta because it was one of my mom's favorites. After dinner, I approached Charlie who was intently watching the game, as my mother lay, half-asleep on the couch with a book open on her stomach. I smiled to myself, so this is what it would've been like if Charlie and Renee had stuck it out. I had to admit, we made quite the cute family…or at least they did, maybe it would've been better, minus the crazy daughter.

"Dad?" I asked lightly, my gaze following his own to the television. I couldn't even tell you what game they were playing let alone, the teams. They were men in uniforms chasing a ball. Did it matter?

"Yeah, Bells?" Charlie asked, looking up at me. I bit down on my lip and then let it all out in one breath. "I was just wondering if maybe I could have Jacob over. I promise he'll be gone by 10, it's just, I have a lot I should tell him. I don't want to leave him hanging."

"Sure." Charlie said, his eyes returning back to the television, I thought he was just glad that I hadn't asked if Edward could come over. I made a pit stop to the phone on the way to my room, calling Jacob and asking for him to come over. He said he didn't have too long. Sam was sending him out on patrol. I told him that that was alright. That it wouldn't take long. I was already feeling guilty.

I trudged up to my room, planting myself on my bed. When did this getting better thing actually get better? I pulled up my sleeves, staring at my scars, satisfied that I felt no urge to make more. I was half-disgusted by them now. I'd ruined almost everything in my life because of them. I pulled down my sleeve, leaning back on my bed and staring at the ceiling. I was about to become the world's worst person. I was about to break Jacob Black's heart. I heard him come through my window and I couldn't help but laugh. I sat up on my bed, smiling at him.

"Why is it that no one who comes to see me, uses the front door?" I raised a brow at him, as he shrugged, standing about a foot from where I was sitting on my bed. He looked anxious, anxious and tired. Hello, guilt, thank you for returning. I let out a sigh and turned away from him, I was losing my courage. I wasn't sure I could do this anymore.

"What did you need to talk about, Bella?" His voice was trembling with excitement, and my stomach plummeted. He thought I was ready to be in a relationship with him. I bit down on my lip, closing my eyes, shaking my head slightly.

"Jacob, I'm so sorry." I whispered, opening my eyes, to look at him.

He was shaking his head slowly, his eyes never leaving mine. "No. Bella, No, don't' say that. Don't."

"I bit down hard on my lip, shaking my own head along with his. "I wish I didn't have to Jacob, You know I hate hurting you."

"Then stop doing it." He said through his teeth. I sighed, running a hand through my hair. This was the worst. I had no idea how I was going to do this.

"Jake, let me explain." I said softly, standing and taking a few steps closer. "It's...really complicated…and I didn't even figure it out until today but..," I sighed, biting my lip, "You are the natural path my life would've taken, if Edward hadn't existed. That's true. I believe that but…Jacob he DOES exist, and I have to believe that he exists for a reason. He's meant to be with me and I him. I love you Jacob, I really really do and if things were different, we'd have such a chance…and sometimes I wish they were different, because sometimes, I can picture us. I can see it. Us growing old together, watching our children run and play in our front yard, with the white picket fence." I shook my head, sighing again. "But Jake…he's my soul mate." I finished in a whisper.

He stared at me, tears running down his cheeks, I'd never seen him this hurt before. I didn't think he'd ever cried in front of me before.

"How do you know that?' He said through his teeth. "How do you know that he's your soul mate? Why can't I be your soul mate?" He was so hurt and it was written all over his face, but I had to do this. I had to end this. I had to get my life back on track.

I watched him for a long moment and then the words spilled from my mouth like acid. "I can't live without him, Jacob."

His eyes snapped up to look at me. "But you can live without me?" He asked his voice breaking at the end.

I closed my eyes, the waves of pain he was shooting at me were making me feel sick. "I don't want to. I don't want to have to live without you, but if that's what it comes to…I can. But I don't want to. I want you to be my best friend."

Jacob let out a bitter laugh, shaking his head. "You are ridiculous, Bella, you know that? You can't tell me you love me and take my virginity and then tell me you choose him. How can you even say that? After everything we've been through together?" His voice sounded so sad. I wanted to hold him, but I didn't think he'd let me at this point.

"Jake, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have….that should've never happened. I was confused and that's no excuse but…I am so sorry. I do love you. I really do, it's just..."

"Not enough?" He finished for me. I let out an annoyed sound, I was so frustrated, I wish he could just feel what I was feeling. I wish he could just understand.

"I'm sorry. I can't tell you anything else but I'm sorry. I'd love it if you would still be my friend. You're the greatest friend I've ever had and I would prefer if I didn't have to live without you. You're important." I finished, staring up at him.

He stared back at me, I could practically see the thoughts forming in his head, but I had no idea what his decision would be, part of me, really hoped and thought that he would be alright. That he would want to be friends. That most of this wouldn't matter.

"No. I won't watch you be with him. I won't watch you be happy with him. I won't do it. This, you and me, it's over. I am not your best friend, and since you haven't acted like one for months, you're off the hook there. Have a nice life, Bella." He said, making his way quickly to my window, once he was half way out of it, he turned back to look at me. "I hope he makes you miserable." He whispered, before disappearing into the blackness that was night. I wasn't sure how long I stayed in that spot staring at my window, but I knew that Edward came through it eventually, and forced me to lay down. I cried for hours, or at least that's what it felt like. It could've been seconds, or minutes, or days, I really couldn't calculate time at the moment. After I'd finished crying, I snuggled against Edward's chest sniffing.

He sighed looking at me, "Bella, are you alright? Did you make the wrong choice?' He asked, sounding completely non chalant. He was trying to make it okay, if I wanted Jacob.

I shook my head, "No…that was…that was it. I…I just had to let go of him." Edward leaned down and kissed my forehead. "It's alright, Bella. It's all going to be…alright." He was quiet for a long moment and I had started to drift off to sleep but his voice so loud and clear, and speaking insanity stopped me.

"Will you marry me?"


	14. The Two Me's

**A/N: New chapter! Woo! Stick with me. I promise you this fanfiction will end Edward/Bella, I just have to throw in some crazy obstacles. But isn't that what makes it so interesting? Anywayyyyyy review please! And I'd love some feedback on what you thought about the end of this chapter! Thank you so much!**

It was definitely one of those moments that you didn't expect to ever happen to you. He was staring at me with this look of determination. Why he wanted to marry me and now, of all times, made no sense at all to me. What happened to all that 'I don't think you need a serious relationship right now?' Way to contradict yourself Edward Cullen. I stared at him, not really sure when or if I was ever going to speak. It didn't seem all that imperative at the moment. I watched him, biting down hard on my lip and then words that I hadn't necessarily expected myself to say, came out.

"Are you insane?" I half-breathed, my eyes still not willing to look anywhere but his face.

He looked at me, taken aback and then he cracked a smile. "I guess you could call it that. I'd go with…hopelessly in love with a girl…but insane works too." I blinked, not sure if I should believe anything he was saying.

"You're kidding right? This is a joke?" I asked, pulling away from him, slightly.

He frowned at me, clearly upset that I thought he was joking. "No. I'm not."

"I'm eighteen years old."

"Yes you are." He said that stupid smirk still on his face.

I bit down on my lip again, still really confused.

"I can't get married. I'm eighteen."

Edward laughed, brushing a strand of hair behind my air, and slowly bring his lips to touch my forehead lightly.

"You are a legal adult, are you not?"

I frowned; mad at him for trying to rationalize this. It was ridiculous.

"You want to get married?"

He watched me for a few moments and then nodded. "Yes, Bella, I do, It's not crazy. You're only reacting this way because of your mother's aversion to it."

I frowned, and narrowed my eyes at him, that was only half true. The other half was that I genuinely thought he was crazy. I took a few steadying breaths and then sighed.

"Alright, you want to get married. I _want_ to marry you. Someday. I mean, I guess it's inevitable right?" I asked, raising a brow at him. Edward was old-fashioned. There was no way I was getting around the whole marriage deal if we were really going to be together forever.

He grinned at me and then nodded. I turned away from him for a long moment and then turned to face him again.

"Okay. Fine. We can get married, but…not until I finish high school…and…" but I didn't get to finish, he saw where the conversation was going and didn't like it, he cut me off.

"No. I'm not changing you until after the wedding. That's a human tradition…and you should enjoy it as a human."

I frowned again, rolling my eyes slightly.

"But you'll be there…and you're…definitely not human."

He gave me a look that I was very used to. The look that said 'Bella, please don't make this difficult.' I hated that look. I wrinkled my nose, sighing.

"Alright fine. After graduation. After the wedding….pretty soon it's going to be After college…After you turn 30, Oh Bella, what's a few more years? How about 45? And by then I'll be old enough to look like you're mother and I'll be old and disgusting and you won't want me." I said with a pout, I knew perfectly well that I was acting like a 3 year old. But I didn't care.

He reached over to me, placing his cold hand over my mouth. "May I speak miss chatterbox or do you have more reasons why I won't love you?" I shook my head no, tempted to kiss the hand that was clamped so tightly over my mouth. He sighed, letting his hand fall away and then locked eyes with me, I didn't know why he did that; all it did was make me lose any kind of concentration.

"I give you my promise. My word, Bella, that I will let you join me in this life…if that's what you want to call it, as soon after the wedding as you would like. Just promise me your hand in marriage." He said, taking my hand as he spoke the word and pressing a kiss to it, with his icy lips.

I let out a sigh, and then nodded. "Okay." I chewed on my lip a few moments before nodding. "Fine. I'll marry you. I don't really have a choice…but I want to…and if I'm going to go to college at all…I'd much rather do it with you there…" I let out another long sigh. As he turned to me a serious, determined look on his face.

"Are you going to let me propose or are you going to have a panic attack about that to?"

I frowned at him, not sure whether or not this was all really worth it. A wedding? Alice was going to have a field day, and I was going to be forced into a poufy white dress and it was all going to be awful. But, I loved him. A wedding was a simple price to pay to be with him for the rest of forever.

I stood up, holding out my left hand like it was something disgusting, as he chuckled lightly, climbing out of bed and kneeling down and taking my hand.

"Isabella Swan." He said softly, staring at my hand. "Will you marry me?"

I watched his face for a long moment, then smiled just the slightest bit, I wanted to say yes. It was on the tip of my tounge, but what came out was something totally opposite.

"No." I said in a sigh. But I'd meant to say yes…hadn't I? I stared at him, my eyes wide. "Um…I didn't mean that…I meant Yes, I'm…I'm nervous." I stumbled as he did nothing but watch me. I frowned biting my lip.

"I'm so sorry. Ask again." I said, completely frustrated with myself.

"Will you marry me?' He said, it quicker this time, wanting to get it over with now.

I nodded. "Yes." I said, thankful that I hadn't let myself down again, soon he was slipping a small, but dazzling ring onto my finger. I stared down at it for a few seconds.

"I have an idea." I said, running over to my desk, and opening the drawer and taking out a silver chain, I took the ring off my finger and placed it on the chain and hooked around my neck.

"There. Now it's close to my heart and Charlie won't inquire about it."

Edward stared at me, first my face, then the place where the necklace rested. He frowned, and then shook his head.

"You don't want to wear it on your left ring finger?" He asked, looking confused, "But isn't that what girls dream about?"

I shrugged. "Not this one. I like it better on a chain. Also…Charlie… Edward. Listen," I said, pulling him in and giving him a soft kiss on the lips and pulling away before he could.

"I love you. I'm sure about you. I WANT to marry you…" I leaned in and kissed him again, then pulled back. "Just let me do this engagement my way, okay? You can have wedding detail and honeymoon detail…" I cringed, instantly regretting that. He wasn't going to touch me one bit, I let out a sigh. "Well…maybe not honeymoon detail…just let me handle the engagement okay? Please."

I could tell he was still unsure of my motives. But he trusted me. Because he loved me, and that made me trust myself. "I love you." I whispered softly, before climing into bed.

"And now I'm completely exhausted." I rested my head against the pillow closing my eyes for just a moment and then I felt him beside me. He started humming my lullaby but, I was out before I could really comprehend it.

That night, I had a dream. I was standing on the edge of a cliff. If I looked below me all I could see was treacherous ocean and if I looked on either side of me, there was nothing. It was a very narrow cliff. It could only hold me. As I stared down into the black water, I saw two figures rise from it. One was me, but I was different, beautiful…blindingly, dazzlingly beautiful. The kind of beautiful I'd learned to associate with the Cullens. I was definitely a vampire. I watched myself on the cliff, with a grin on my face, but I wasn't evil, my eyes were the golden of Edward's that I'd grown to love so much. Then a second figure rose from the depths, it was me, again. But I was older, I had laugh lines, and crow's feet, but I was still beautiful, just a whole different kind of beautiful. I had a child with me. A beautiful tan-skinned child, with long dark black hair, and my eyes. I knew instantly that I'd had this child with Jacob Black. I wanted this child, more than anything, to hold her, to know her name even. I called out to them, I worried they'd get hurt but they couldn't hear me. My other self, the vampire could though. She smiled up at me, shaking her head, and then the cliff broke, and I fell, down down…… down ………down…….. down…….., until I finally hit the water, and awoke with a start.


	15. Your Visions Are Subjective

**A/N: Sorry for the long wait! I've been super busy with school, but I hope this chapter was worth the wait! I'll try and do another one this weekend for you guys! Please Review. I like the feedback and they make my entire day. Thanks!**

Waking up was the worst part of the whole dream. I felt sick, and I wanted to throw up, but at the same time, I wanted to down a giant glass of water, I felt dehydrated, but my throat burned, like I'd actually been in the waters icy depths and ingested huge amounts of it. I ran a hand through my hair and upon doing so realized that I was actually wet; I practically tripped out of bed, falling over myself to get to the mirror. I looked at myself for a few seconds. My hair was soaked through with sweat and my pajamas were sticking to me in very awkward places. The engagement ring that hung around my neck was still there, but pressing into my skin, causing indented red marks to appear on my chest. That must've been some dream. For the first time that morning, I remembered Edward. I turned my head towards my bed; he was sitting on top of the sheets, staring at me. I was pretty sure I must've looked like a crazy person for the past five minutes.

"Hi…" I said awkwardly, frowning. "I had a bad dream…I think."

He watched me for a long moment and then nodded. "You were babbling a lot…in your sleep, but I didn't want to wake you."

My stomach dropped, what exactly had my stupid mouth babbled? I really wished there was an off button or a mute for when I was a sleep.

Edward shrugged.

"Something about Jacob…and a child. I believe it was something like, 'Jacob's Child…Mine.' But you were pretty incoherent."

I frowned, thinking about the dream, well, that would make sense. I had dreamed about a child that I was sure was Jake and I's but…Edward had been part of the dream too hadn't he?

"Anything else?" I asked almost praying that there had been something else. Maybe I'd said his name too. Maybe he wouldn't be too mad if he knew that he was in the dream as well. He shrugged.

"I'm not sure. You were very incoherent mostly." My stomach dropped even lower if that was possible. I breathed a small sigh, and then nodded. "I think you were in it too. It's all very…fuzzy."

I stopped, not sure I wanted him to know about the dream, it felt almost like he shouldn't know about it, like that would be intrusive of him somehow. I bit down on my lip debating whether or not to divulge the rest of the dream. "I was….I was on a cliff and then…" I frowned, turning my head to look up at him. "I was a vampire."

Edward watched me, his face confused, he shook his head slightly. "And Jacob was involved?"

I sighed. "I don't…I don't really know…I don't remember…it's…all sort of fading…" I bit down on my lip again.

"I'm just…going to get ready for school…um….I'll meet you there okay?" Edward stared into my eyes for a minute that felt like forever and then nodded, he was at my side before I knew he'd moved and he kissed my forehead lightly before he made his departure out of my window. I reached up and felt the engagement ring resting on my chest. I let out a long sigh. I was pretty sure my life was going to take a ridiculously interesting turn today.

…

Trying to hide something from Jessica Stanley was like trying to hide something from a psychic and a mind reader…which was something I had a little practice with so I should've been disappointed in myself for failing so miserably. She knew exactly what was hanging around my neck despite the fact that I was disguising it as a necklace. I had no choice, by the end of trig she had berated with me with so many questions that I couldn't even think straight, so I figured just telling her would be safest.

I pulled her aside as we were walking to the cafeteria for lunch, letting out what must've sounded like an annoyed sigh, but I couldn't help it. I REALLY didn't want to have to tell anybody, let alone Jessica Stanley, but I didn't necessarily have a choice.

"Look," I mumbled, pulling the ring out a little ways so that she could see it better in the light.

"Edward proposed to me last night. Were engaged, but you can't tell anyone! My dad will murder me and were trying to keep it quiet, okay?"

Jessica's eyes widened with excitement, it was amazing how any gossip brightened her day. I could see the questions forming in her head, she wanted to know absolutely everything and I was going to have to tell her.

"Bella!" Jessica gasped, her eyes rounded like tennis balls, "How…"

She paused searching for the word, it seemed.

"Hm…Romantic! Oh my gosh!" She squealed loudly jumping up and down slightly.

"Bella, you are so lucky!" I let out a sigh and then nodded,

"Yeah, something like that…." I mumbled, tugging lightly on the ring, as we continued our walk to the cafeteria. I hoped that Jessica wouldn't tell anyone, and even if she did, maybe only Angela or Mike, which was okay. They wouldn't stare at me and whisper things behind my back…or…it wouldn't be terribly upsetting if they did. I was completely shocked when something cold and hard and tiny rammed into me, locking it's arms around my neck excitedly. Alice. I let out an annoyed sigh. Of course Alice knew. Why, oh why did my soon to be sister in law have to be psychic of all things? Jessica was gone by the time I pulled away to look at Alice.

"Hello to you to." I mumbled as Alice released me. I stretched slightly trying to make sure she hadn't bruised me on accident. I felt okay. She looked at me her eyes falling to my left hand and then frowned, moving all the way up my body until she found the ring hanging helplessly from the chain around my neck.

She raised one brow, staring first at me, then at the ring.

"But…I saw it…on your finger."

I let out a sigh, shaking my head. "It was…but then I thought about Charlie…and I just figured…this would be better."

I looked up at her, and frowned. She had a look on her face that I didn't like at all. It was a look that told me she could see right through me. She crossed her arms over her chest, fixing me with that look.

"Bella." She said sharply. "Are you unsure about my brother?"

The question shocked me, I didn't know how to answer it. The answer should've been a straight no, but I couldn't get the words out of my mouth.

I frowned, biting down hard on my lip. "I'm…I'm sure about Edward…" I said finally, but then added, "I'm just not sure about marriage."

Alice frowned. "Well you better get sure. Right now, I don't see you getting married."

I looked at Alice, my mouth opening slightly. "What do you see?" I asked, not sure I really wanted to know the answer.

Alice watched me for a second and then closed her eyes for what felt like 5 minutes. Then she looked at me, her face taking on a sad expression.

"A very, very sad Edward. Alone." She said in a breathy voice, as she grabbed my hand, holding on to it tight.

"Be sure, Bella. Be sure."

I closed my eyes for a moment and then nodded. "Your visions are subjective…the future can always change." I mumbled, repeating words that Edward had said to me a year ago.

Alice watched me for a long time and then nodded, she believed me. She believed that I would try, but I didn't even know WHY she didn't see a wedding in the future, but I had to find out. I wouldn't hurt Edward. Not again. That wasn't in my plan. Alice tugged on my hand, and I snapped out of my reverie.

"Come on." She said softly. "Edward will kill me if we don't get some food in you." But for some reason, I couldn't follow her, I shook my head lightly.

"I'm actually feeling a little sick. I think I'm going to take the rest of the day off. Tell Edward for me?"

I took off in the opposite direction before she could say anything, even though I was sure she saw right through me. I wasn't sick. I just needed to go home and think. I needed time. I hurried to my truck, climbing in and turning the key before I'd even shut the door.

The drive home was uneventful and normal. It felt nice to have one thing in my life that was normal. I pulled into the driveway easily, just barely noticing that Charlie's police cruiser was there. I slung my backpack over my shoulder and made my way up to the door. I pushed open the door, so grateful to be home, so grateful to be able to go up to my room and be myself for 30 seconds to think…but once I got inside it was clear that I wasn't going to be able to do that. The look on Charlie's face chilled me. For a second I thought he was mad at me for skipping class…but then I realized that nothing could make him look like this unless it was really bad. I almost couldn't find the voice to ask him what was wrong, but I didn't have to. As I opened my mouth to speak, so did he and I let him.

"Bella, It's Jake." He said quietly "He's hurt."

My stomach dropped and my heart squeezed. And I felt like I was going to die. Jacob was _hurt?_

"Bells," Charlie started. "It's bad."

And somehow I knew that it was my fault, somehow I knew that this was the reason that Alice didn't see a wedding in the future. Something had happened to Jake, and it was all my fault. I felt like the world was spiraling and I couldn't make it stop. I felt dizzy and I had to grab the end table by the door so that I wouldn't fall.

"Jacob…" I whispered, as my body finally gave out and all I could see was darkness.


	16. Always

**A/N: yay! New chapter, sorry again for the wait. Thanks for sticking with this story , I love my loyal reviewers and the story is coming to an end very soon, I'm thinking only 25 chapters, so it's coming soon. Keep the reviews coming! Thanks!**

**Disclaimer: One direct line from Twilight the book and the movie Is stolen. 'the great thing about Charlie, he doesn't hover.'**

I was silent all the way down to La Push in the police cruiser. I couldn't believe any of this was happening. Jacob was hurt and it was all my fault. I didn't even know what had happened yet, but I knew that it was my fault. No matter what it was. When we pulled up to Jake's house, I thought seriously about staying in the car. Could I see him like that? Could I bare seeing him lying there sick and in pain? Then I realized that it didn't matter if I could handle it or not. I had to see him. I had to be there for him. I had to be his best friend. I moved like a zombie, following Charlie into the house. It was like a horror movie. Jacob lay on the couch, to the naked eye he looked fine, but if you drew any closer you would see the subtle red marks all over his body, the scratches, his skin was _pale_ if that was even possible. He looked different than I had ever seen him and it made my eyes sting with tears. I knelt by his side, holding his hand tight, wanting so badly to say everything in that light squeeze of my hand, but I couldn't manage it. He turned to face me, his eyes lighting up just at the sight of me and a sick guilt filled my stomach.

He opened his mouth to speak but was stopped by a coughing fit.

"This is stupid, I know." He finally managed to say. "Something you would do." I frowned, confused. I still didn't know what had happened. I didn't know anything, but I couldn't find my voice to ask.

He closed his eyes for a long time and I thought he'd fallen asleep, but then he'd opened them again and started speaking.

"I tried to kill myself."

The words filled me with a sick dread. That did sound like something I would do. Not Jacob. I suddenly found myself hot with anger.

"How dare you!?" I screamed, not caring that he was hurt or that Charlie and Billy were nearby. "How dare you try and leave me? How dare you DO that to me! Jacob Black, how dare you even think about leaving me when you know I've been through hell! Jacob Black, don't you EVER do that again. Do you hear me?"

Jacob stared at me for a long time and then shook his head, as if he hadn't heard anything that I'd said.

"Leah and I. We were down at the beach. I don't even know where she got it…but she had alcohol…and lots of it. She was feeling up to sharing. So we drank, and we talked, and we drank some more, she left…then I guess I passed out. Tide came. Swept me up. I would've drowned."

I folded my arms over my chest, letting out a sigh. "That sounds like an accident. Although you were an idiot for drinking."

Jacob shook his head. "No accident. I wanted to drown. I woke up and I was in the water…and I remember thinking…Why move? I'm perfectly content here….and a few more moments and I'll cease to exist…"

I didn't know why, or how it happened but all I knew was that all too quickly I was hauling off and slapping him hard in the face as tears rolled down my cheeks.

"I would miss you. I would cry everyday and I would miss you. I care about you. You're important to me. You're important to my life. I can't…" I took a deep breath. "Jacob I was wrong before…I can't live without you…" I leaned in close to him, pressing my forehead against his.

"I was so scared today." I whispered, "I thought I'd never see you again and I was so scared."

Jacob let out a soft sigh and then leaned up just slightly to kiss my forehead.

"Bella, relax. It's okay. Sam got me out in time. I'll be alright. The waters are just rough. You know that better than anyone."

I let out a sound that was between a sob and a laugh.

"I don't understand." I said after a moment or two. "You couldn't use your advanced…wolfy sense or something?" I bit down on my lip, watching his face.

Jacob grinned and then shook his head. "The wolf things been off lately, we think it's because it's sort of tied to our emotions and…mine have been…off the Richter scale lately…I'm not as strong as I should be."

I nodded, sniffing back tears. "Jacob, I'm really sorry."

"I know, Bells." Was the only reply he gave me.

After that we just sat together for a long time, holding hands, in silence. Almost an hour later, Jacob broke the silence.

"What's that?"

I looked up at him, confused. "What's what?" I said, eyebrow raising.

"That. Around your neck." He said and my stomach dropped. I looked down at the accusing ring and bit my lip.

"It's…nothing…it's…" I let out an annoyed sigh. "It's just a ring."

Jacob stared at it for a long time and then his eyes moved to my face, surveying it.

"An engagement ring?"

I chewed on my lip, sure that it was going to bleed soon. I nodded.

"Something like that, I suppose."

Jacob was silent again for a long period of time and then very quietly he asked,

"So, why's it around your neck?"

I blinked, looking back down at it. "I don't know…I didn't want Charlie to suspect anything and…um…I get…sort of…freaked out by marriage. You know that."

Jacob let out a funny sort of noise, between a laugh and a scoff.

"Bells, if you're telling yourself that so you can sleep at night…stop." I looked up at him, locking my eyes with his as he continued.

"That ring is around your neck, because marrying him is the last thing you want to do. Bells, I can read you like a book. Just tell him no. I'm not saying this so I can have you back. I'm saying this so that you don't commit yourself to a life of misery. Bella…don't marry him."

That was all it took for the doubt to start creeping in. Charlie and I ate dinner with Billy and Jake, although Jake had soup while the rest of us ate spaghetti and then Charlie and I were putting our coats on to head home. I promised Jake I'd come back to see him soon and then were off in the car. I didn't speak to Charlie and he didn't pry, when he got home and I went straight upstairs and he didn't bother to ask what was wrong or what Jake and I had talked about and I was thankful. The best thing about Charlie, he doesn't hover.

Edward was sitting on my bed just as I knew he would be. I watched him for a minute. He looked perfectly normal, happy even, and that squeezed at my heart a little, but I was already unhooking the chain around my neck and I wasn't stopping now.

I walked over to the bed, taking his hand for a few moments before placing the ring along with the chain in the palm of his hand and closing his hand around it.

"I can't." I whispered.

He stared down at his closed fist for a long while, and then he looked up at me, shaking his head just slightly.

"You went to see Jacob." He said in a flat tone.

I let out a scoff, shaking my head. "Don't get all upset. He tried to kill himself, I was just being a friend."

He was quiet for a long time and then he let out a sigh. "I'm not angry. I'm not upset. I'm not anything actually…except confused."

I looked at him, shaking my head. "About what?"

He frowned, for a moment and then titled his head to look at me. "Jacob was in trouble. Hurt. Okay. Are you aware that I had absolutely no idea where you'd gone? No way to see if you were alright? I had no idea what happened, and then you come home…and I'm here…ready to give you whatever you need, comfort, to talk…whatever you need…and you hand me back my engagement ring."

He shook his head, frowning. "Bella, you could've ran in here screaming at me and it would've been less hurtful."

I let out a breath as angry tears started to flow down my cheeks. "Well apparently, that is what I do. I hurt people. It's what I'm good for." I blew out another breath even more annoyed with myself and the situation now.  
"I can't marry you. I feel guilty. I feel SO guilty about everything and I just…can't do this right now. I can't have you and Jacob and deal with everything all at once. It's too much!" I finished in a yell.

"I can't have you here tonight. I'm sorry. I just…I can't."

Edward watched me for a moment and then nodded, standing up and walking over to me. He pulled the ring off of the chain and slipped it onto my finger.

"Keep it. It's yours. I don't have anyone else to give it to. Nor anyone I'd want to give it to besides you. If you decide that it means something one day, I will be more than happy to honor that. You don't want to marry me. Not now…anyway…I honor that. Am I to assume that you are still…my…girlfriend?" The word felt awkward coming out of his mouth, because we were so much more than that, obviously, but I nodded and he bowed his head before making his way to my window.

"Edward?" I said softly as he turned back around to look at me.

"I'm still yours." I whispered as he smiled at me.

"Always." Was his reply as he disappeared into the black outside of my window.

I didn't have the energy to do much else but collapse onto my bed and fall asleep.


End file.
